Britain in record breaking four-day summer

AS SUMMER in Britain comes to an end, experts confirmed the four days of consecutive sunshine was a new record.

With the arrival of rain and decent British temperatures, meteorologists described the summer of 2017 as ‘almost too long’.

Met Office official Dr Julian Cook said: “It demolishes the two day cracker of 2014 and the legendary three day summer of 1976. But four days of summer is quite enough. Any longer and there’s the possibility that people may start to overreact.”

Sunshine enthusiast Eleanor Shaw, from Stevenage, said: “I spent the whole four days complaining that I couldn’t sleep while doing sod all to help myself, such as putting a fan on.

“I’ll never forget what a wonderful summer this was.”

Meanwhile, Scottish people insisted their summer had ‘yet to begin’, prompting meteorologists to look at them sadly and shake their heads.

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Glastonbury coverage welcomed by Britain's top letches

MEN who dislike pop music but enjoy leering at young women have welcomed blanket coverage of Glastonbury.

The media’s decision to portray an unashamedly left-wing event as a cavalcade of breasts and buttocks has proved popular with everyone who does not care whether Thom Yorke is doing a surprise acoustic set on the West Holt stage.

Roy Hobbs, from Guildford, said: “Stormzy? Couldn’t give a monkey’s. But I’m extremely interested in Glasto first-timer Georgina and her denim shorts.

“Typically the radical leftists at the BBC spend too much time on the actual music, but I know the tabloids will focus on the perky breasts and lovely young bottoms that are the real point of the whole shebang.”

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, agreed: “You never know what your Glasto highlight will be until the festival’s over. It defies your expectations.

“But I’m very much hoping for a brunette in bodypaint sucking a lolly.”