Britain to get retractable roof

THE UK is to ditch Trident and spend the £170 billion savings on a retractable roof to cover the entire country. 

The roof, based on those used in sports arenas, would cover the whole of the UK during bad weather leaving everyone nice and dry.

Joanna Kramer, head of the civil service procurement team, says: “What’s actually made British lives miserable these last 50 years, Russian ICBMs raining down or actual rain?

“A barbecue isn’t ruined by the threat of nuclear holocaust – if anything it adds piquancy – but countless garden parties and school sports days have been turned into soul-sapping washouts since 1945.

“Imagine the peace of mind, the security of seeing it roll out overhead, the washing on the line safe at last.”

But Nicola Sturgeon said, “Would you trust Theresa May to have her finger on the button? It’d always be closed for rain in London when it’s lovely in Edinburgh.

“We demand to have our own independent roof which also covers the European Union.”

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Wimbledon finished two days ago

THE Wimbledon Tennis Championship concluded on Wednesday but nobody noticed, officials have confirmed. 

Serena Williams and Andy Murray have both won their respective finals and been awarded their trophies in front of an oblivious audience glued to their smartphones.

Fan Roy Hobbs said: “Apparently it’s been quite interesting this year, though not as interesting as the dystopian farce of Britain crumbling into the sea.

“Roger Federer said some unacceptable things to a line judge at a crucial moment in a thrilling final, I’m told, and Tony Blair could actually be charged with war crimes.

“Not related, but that’s where my focus has been.”

Thousands still gathered in front of the giant TV screens on Murray Mount, but halfway through the men’s final someone got up and switched over to BBC News 24.

The tournament was filmed for posterity and will be shown on the emergency broadcast network to calm the nation when martial law is declared early in 2018.