Britain to get retractable roof

THE UK is to ditch Trident and spend the £170 billion savings on a retractable roof to cover the entire country. 

The roof, based on those used in sports arenas, would cover the whole of the UK during bad weather leaving everyone nice and dry.

Joanna Kramer, head of the civil service procurement team, says: “What’s actually made British lives miserable these last 50 years, Russian ICBMs raining down or actual rain?

“A barbecue isn’t ruined by the threat of nuclear holocaust – if anything it adds piquancy – but countless garden parties and school sports days have been turned into soul-sapping washouts since 1945.

“Imagine the peace of mind, the security of seeing it roll out overhead, the washing on the line safe at last.”

But Nicola Sturgeon said, “Would you trust Theresa May to have her finger on the button? It’d always be closed for rain in London when it’s lovely in Edinburgh.

“We demand to have our own independent roof which also covers the European Union.”