BRITAIN might think about constructing proper flood defences, but only if the country is somehow flooded again next year.
Ministers insisted it would be foolish to commit to flood defence projects as this year’s heavy rain could well be the last time it ever happens.
A spokeswoman said: “These kind of hi-tech flood defences are for effeminate continental types. Your typical Dutchman is terrified of water and cowers from it like a tiny kitten.”
She added: “Most British people want a huge amount of water in their living rooms. They see it as their birthright.
“They love to dump their sodden furniture in the street as if to say ‘fuck you nature, this is Britain and you’ll have to do better than that’.
“And surely the best thing about being old in this country is that magical day some policemen heave you onto a motorboat that’s floating in a bus stop.”