Britain told to stop doing things that require ‘wet wiping’

WHATEVER it is you are doing with a wet wipe needs to stop immediately, experts have warned.

As millions of wet wipes were washed onto beaches, scientists said it was causing huge numbers of people to become queasy at the thought of what the wipes may have been used for.

Dr Roy Hobbs said: ”Look at that one. What did that wipe up? Christ only knows.

“What colour would you say that is? Personally, I’d say it was a kind greyish beige, which opens up all kinds of vile possibilities.”

Hobbs added: “They’re not just used for wiping babies anymore. Everything that can be wiped is being wiped. All the time.

“And if you put in the bin it will end up in a landfill. People do actually work on landfills. It’s not fair on them, poisoning their imagination with your wipings.”

Jane Thompson, who organises beach clean-ups in Devon, said: “We now have to attract volunteers with the promise that they don’t have to pick up wet wipes.

“They’ll happily pick up syringes, condoms and body parts. But a soiled wet wipe is basically just a vomit button.”


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Nu-Lads and hipsters in Brighton beach battle

A SEASIDE town is being plagued by confrontations between rival youth fashion tribes.

Brighton seafront has witnessed tense stand-offs as hipsters and so-called ‘Nu-Lads’ make the resort a no-go area.

Locals have been terrorised by hipsters descending on the town en masse on their Penny Farthings, facing off against Nu-Lads on their ironic BMXs.

Nu-Lad Tom Logan said: “There’s no hope for me and my generation. All we’ve got for kicks is a fashion narrative that incorporates high end and low end labels from Lonsdale to Palace and a style aesthetic that combines activewear and neoprene.”

Bearded hipster Nathan Muir said: “If these Nu-Lads fancy a tear-up they’re welcome to it. Whether it’s a Krautrock karaoke smackdown or a cupcake bake-off, we’ll meet them anywhere, any time.”

May bank holiday has been scheduled for the next major clash between the two tribes, with all police leave cancelled amid fears of passive-aggressive sneering on the pier.

Tom Logan said: “We’re hoping the boys will come down in numbers even though Nu-Lads are entirely the figment of a Guardian writer’s imagination.”