Scientists to hatch Creme Egg

THE age-old question of what sort of creature would emerge from a Creme Egg will finally be answered in time for Easter.

The Institute for Studies has succeeded in fertilizing the fondant embryos using DNA extracted from Penguin biscuits.

The eggs are now being incubated at a secret location by a family of Lindt D’Or chocolate bunnies.

But the scientists remain uncertain about what will emerge when the chocolate shell finally breaks.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The team is divided. Some believe it will be a milk chocolate bird with a low cocoa solids content closely resembling a curlew.

“Others think it will be a lizard, possibly a sticky white chameleon capable of changing flavour according to what it’s sitting on.”

Fans of the Creme Egg were excited by the news. Janet Fisher, from Cheltenham, said: “If the creatures that hatch can lay eggs too, then we could have the world’s first truly sustainable gooey chocolate treat.”

But Roy Hobbs, an animal right activist from Walthamstow, said: “We tamper with confectionary nature at our peril.

“Don’t forget that orchard of Terry’s Chocolate Orange Trees near York. They have foil instead of bark and the branches try to grab hold of you.”

 

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LinkedIn confirms it is never going to stop sending you emails

LINKEDIN has unveiled plans to keep sending you wheedling, passive-aggressive emails you never asked for.

The company has confirmed that it has built a special computer with your name and photo on it that will send you two emails a day forever.

A spokesman said: “Remember, you were invited to join the network by a workmate of your cousin’s boyfriend you met at a wedding. That’s legally binding.”

But Joanna Kramer, a dental technician, said: “At first I ignored them, then marked them as spam, then tried to unsubscribe only to discover I had signed up for something called ‘LinkedIn Premium’.

“The birthday messages are particularly troubling. I’m half expecting them to send a photo of me in the shower.”

Martin Bishop, a design engineer, added: “I have nightmares where I’m chased through a post-apocalyptic landscape by a huge LinkedIn logo with massive fangs and long hairy legs.

“Whenever it gets within a few yards I hear it shouting that I should read this article about nine emerging markets in the South Asian energy sector.”

The LinkedIn spokesman said: “If Martin is still sure LinkedIn is not for him, we’ll send him Stage One of the Preliminary Introduction to the Unsubscription Assessment.”