Budgies demand to be released from weird people’s homes

BUDGERIGARS imprisoned by weirdos around the UK have issued a statement pleading to be set free.

The small birds trapped in slightly creepy living rooms and conservatories called for the public’s support in freeing them from the pensioners and loons holding them captive.

Budgie Roy Hobbs, who lives in a cage full of mirrors, swings and bells in Hull said: “We don’t guard people’s house, we don’t like to be cuddled, our plumage is offensively luminous and we shit relentlessly. On that basis I’d say we are not ideal pets.

“I’m supposed to be flying round the Australian outback, not watching someone’s nan’s TV.”

Norman Steele said: “Call me an eccentric, but I admire the enigmatic aloofness of the domestic budgerigar.

“I bought a pair of budgies for my wife for our tenth wedding anniversary as a way of celebrating our love, and also of letting her know exactly how trapped I felt in our marriage.

“Every day I look at them and think ‘You and me both, fellas, you and me both’.”

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Gove left wife in hotel to go out partying with 11-year-old son

MICHAEL Gove left his fully-grown wife alone in a hotel room while he went out partying with their 11-year-old son, it has been confirmed.

Gove told his wife that and he and their son would be back when they were back, and not to wait up.

A source  said: “Michael and his son went out in the afternoon and had a whale of a time. They had ice creams and fizzy pop and they even managed to walk around the Natural History museum after every one else had gone.”

They got photos of themselves with the dinosaurs and everything.”

Gove and son returned to their hotel room at 11.30pm after a roller disco, all pooped out from their adventures and ready for bed.

Gove’s wife Sarah Vine said: “As much as I’m annoyed that they didn’t tell me where they were going, I was happy to have them out of my hair for a few hours. Last time this happened Michael was sick from eating too many sweets.”

Michael Gove then slept soundly, right through the night, only waking once after a nightmare about a tyrannosaurus rex with Boris Johnson’s head chasing him through the Houses of Parliament.