Thanks for making us experts on tedious financial shit, UK tells Brexiters

BRITONS have thanked Leave voters for forcing them to learn about piss-boring things like exchange rates and EU law.

Brexit coverage has made millions of people highly knowledgeable about issues that are mind-meltingly tedious.

Graphic designer Nikki Hollis said: “Everything about money and finance bores me rigid but now I’m an expert on interest rates and inflation, so thanks a fucking lot for that, Brexiters.

“You can imagine how much I’ve enjoyed making myself informed about trade tariffs and the effects of a weak currency on global supply chains.

“Frankly I’d like to round-up every Brexiter and make them count to a trillion out loud at gunpoint.”

Teacher Stephen Malley said: “I’d like to thank Leave voters for sending me on the fascinating journey of discovery which is learning about World Trade Organisation export rules.

“If my current career doesn’t work out, it’s nice to know I could probably get a job explaining international trade regulations and become a depressed alcoholic.

“What really turns me on is how government bonds are sold to raise funds for quantitative easing. Just mentioning that makes me want to crack one off right now.”

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Asda shoppers ‘just generally angry’

SHOPPERS at Asda are generally very angry people, it has emerged.

Following scenes of chaos at the budget supermarket as card machines failed, customers confirmed that they were angry about that, but angrier still about having to shop in fucking Asda.

Mother-of-two Donna Sheridan said: “This isn’t Lidl or Aldi where the slumming bourgeoisie go to semi-ironically buy a frozen lobster and a scuba mask, this is Asda and shit here is real.

“You don’t choose the Asda life. The Asda life chooses you.

“Even in Morrison’s you get a bit of social mobility, the odd shopper scrabbles up the supermarket class system to Sainsbury’s while dreaming in vain of Waitrose.”

She added: “If anyone blocks my access to the massive boxes of tea bags then I’ll serve them a family pack of kickass.”

Teaching assistant Nikki Hollis said: “The worst thing about the card machines going down was having to hand over real money for some of this shit.

“It really made the reality of Asda Smart Price Porridge Oats hit home. I think that’s when I went apeshit with a checkout divider and declared myself the barbarian queen of the prepared meats section.”