Builder understands woman's house in way husband never will

A BUILDER’S intimate understanding of the structural details of a house is making a woman question whether her husband will ever be able to satisfy her again. 

Francesca Johnson enlisted the help of a local builder to create an extended kitchen-diner at the back of her home and is now unable to stop thinking about how incredible he has made her house feel.

Johnson said: “From the moment Ryan came over to give us a quote, I knew I was in safe hands. He saw the house for what it was – something that needed some attention, instead of somewhere to stare at his iPhone after work.

“Ryan knows things my husband has no clue about, like where to knock through to transform my downstairs. He knew the right place to put the sink before I’d even thought about it. It’s like he understood without me saying anything.”

She added: “I’m going to have to have the whole house remodelled, just so I can hear Ryan talk pure filth about the importance of not removing load-bearing walls.”

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Fathers looking forward to mothers finally getting off their arses this Sunday

THE nation’s fathers are looking forward to mothers stepping up and doing something for a change this Father’s Day.

After a year of relentless caring and working, as well as the constant pressure to be a man who ‘has it all’, fathers are eagerly anticipating letting their partners take over for a day.

Martin Bishop said: “I don’t like to moan about my wife and how little she does to help unless I explicitly ask her to, but she really does take the piss sometimes.

“By the time she’s put the kids to bed, made supper for us both and sat down to finish off some work on her laptop, I’m so tired I can’t even find the energy to stop myself farting when she’s in the room. I need this day to reset.

“I’m expecting to be waited on hand and foot, even though I know she’ll make snide comments about it being ‘exactly the same as the other 364 days of the year’.

“I really deserve one Sunday where I can be even more of a lazy f**ker than usual.”