Sunday, 9th May 2021

Cat announces plans to shit all over everyone's gardens this weekend

A CAT has confirmed that it will do its utmost to shit exactly where you plan to tread in your front and back garden.

Six-year-old tabby Podge plans to slip through the cat flap and squeeze a few out overnight on as many gardens, patios and decks as possible.

Podge said: “I’m lucky enough to have neighbours who provide me with a range of different surfaces on which I can defecate but my personal favourite is bare soil, which acts as fantastic camouflage.

“I’ve spotted a fire pit across the street, which I think deserves a garnish. I’m also considering leaving a little gift in a sandpit this weekend to freak out some parents and really shake things up.

“However, weather depending, I may have to settle for people not realising my crap is everywhere until they get it on the bottom of their shoes and then walk it through their house.

“Of course no one ever knows for sure where I’ve pissed, which is a shame. But I hope they know I’m doing my best to spray everything they are kind enough to leave outside.”