Cat announces plans to shit all over everyone's gardens this weekend

A CAT has confirmed that it will do its utmost to shit exactly where you plan to tread in your front and back garden.

Six-year-old tabby Podge plans to slip through the cat flap and squeeze a few out overnight on as many gardens, patios and decks as possible.

Podge said: “I’m lucky enough to have neighbours who provide me with a range of different surfaces on which I can defecate but my personal favourite is bare soil, which acts as fantastic camouflage.

“I’ve spotted a fire pit across the street, which I think deserves a garnish. I’m also considering leaving a little gift in a sandpit this weekend to freak out some parents and really shake things up.

“However, weather depending, I may have to settle for people not realising my crap is everywhere until they get it on the bottom of their shoes and then walk it through their house.

“Of course no one ever knows for sure where I’ve pissed, which is a shame. But I hope they know I’m doing my best to spray everything they are kind enough to leave outside.”

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'Silent majority' never seem to shut the f**k up

PEOPLE who consider themselves to be part of the ‘silent majority’ seem to be forever shouting very loudly about snowflakes, libtards and traitors.

Although believing themselves to be stoically annoyed, they can constantly be heard moaning online, on Newsnight and in the Daily Mail.

Retired tyre salesman Norman Steele said: “For too long we have been hushed, apart from when we’re making a huge fuss about refugees, the liberal London elite and Black Lives Matter.

“We’ve also been incredibly vocal about Extinction Rebellion, the BBC, statues, Jeremy Corbyn, face masks, Remainers and Meghan Markle.

“But apart from all that stuff, we suffer in silence. Except when we bang on about how angry we are and make weird threats about starting wars to save our country from dark forces.

“Luckily I make those threats anonymously on Twitter so I never have to actually put my money where my mouth is.”

Steele’s wife Susan said: “The only time that miserable old bastard will be silent is when he’s dead. I’m quite looking forward to it.”