City twats enjoy week of patronising rural people

A GROUP of hipsters have spent an ironic week in the country laughing at the backwardness of the benighted locals.

Brand relationship manager Nikki Hollis and her friends rented a cottage in rural Norfolk to de-stress from their urban lives by finding the very concept of milking a cow hilarious.

She said: “The cottage instructions just said to get the key from under a plant pot, I mean omigod. Just imagine doing that in London.

“At lunchtime Sam asked for directions to an Itsu, which had us in stitches, and we ended up in this pub that was so authentic they didn’t even do tapas.

“We had to leave because Jamie got in an argument with this farmer about whether his agriculture was sustainable and the guy was like ‘you don’t even know what sustainable means,’ and we were like ‘yes we do, it means good.’”

Landowner Martin Bishop said: “I’ve actually got a PhD in environmental science and a multi-million pound solar farm, but it amuses me to indulge them.

“Watch when I turn off the wifi. They go absolutely mental.”

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Britain to celebrate freedom from Europe by replacing all its laws with identical ones

THE UK will celebrate independence from the EU by repealing all European laws and replacing them with unchanged, but British, ones. 

The Great Repeal Bill, introduced to parliament yesterday, will strike every single one of the EU’s hated and nonsensical laws from the statute book and replace them with good old common sense traditional functionally identical home-grown legislation.

David Davis said: “From now on no unelected Eurocrats will tell us how powerful our hoovers can be or what we can feed our pigs on.

“Instead solid British laws, made right here in the home of Shakespeare, will govern our lives fairly and squarely, and by being exactly the same as the laws they replace will also allow us to trade in Europe.

“This bill, which will update in parallel with all future EU legislation, promises a brave future of independence for Britain as long as we continue to meet all continental standards with regard to sale of goods and services.”

He added: “We’ve got rid of all the human rights laws, though. They were just holding you back.”