Britain to revisit golden age of chucking shopping trolleys in rivers

THE new pound coin has forced Tesco to unlock its trolleys, most of which are expected to end up in Britain’s waterways in the next few days.

Fans of mindless vandalism are gearing up for several weeks of trolley-based shenanigans whilst the superstore modifies its locks to accept the new 12-sided coins.

Vandal Emma Bradshaw said: “Before supermarkets introduced those annoying locks I would often nick a trolley, take it down to the canal and just sling it in. There was no point to it, but I liked doing it.

“Rivers and streams were littered with trolleys, creating terrible eyesores and traps for fish. If you chucked a few in at the right point you could even cause a flood. It was a special time.

“And then everyone gave up on it because they had to put a pound in to get a trolley and they wanted their pound back when they’d done their shopping.

“It’s hardly a massive financial incentive, especially when you consider the pure, unadulterated joy of watching a floating fag packet get jammed in a wheel. You can’t put a price on that.”

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Theresa May remembers that one time she answered a question

THE prime minister has taken a moment to remember the last time she gave a direct answer to a question, back in 1996. 

Theresa May admitted that she was young and naive at the time, but even though decades had passed the horror was still fresh in her mind. 

She added: “I was being interviewed for Newsnight and suddenly found, to my alarm, that the words coming out of my mouth had a direct relationship to what I’d just been asked. 

“The shock was so great it almost felt like I was watching myself from outside my body as I reeled out this answer that was completely relevant to the question, as if I was some kind of person. 

“Luckily it was relatively uncontroversial but I’ll never forget the absolute terror as I realised I was not stonewalling, not diverting, not just repeating a soundbite, but actually giving my honest opinion. 

“I escaped with my career intact and I’ve never, ever done it again. These days I don’t even hear them.”