Man hates environment because liberals quite like it

A MAN is hates the environment because upsetting ‘liberals’ gives him a feeling of satisfaction, he has revealed.

Roy Hobbs has such an intense dislike of Guardian readers and other liberal types that he is in favour of destroying the planet just to piss them off.

Office manager Hobbs said: “When I think about all the liberals crying into their organic muesli because the Peruvian spider owl or whatever has died out it makes me feel great.

“Instead of just cutting down the rainforests we should obliterate them with tactical nukes and Royal Navy submarines could use whales for target practise with their torpedoes.

“If it annoys liberals it’s fine with me. I can’t stand the way they claim to care about the environment then do totally hypocritical things like using electricity.

“Most of them are just anti-business anyway. They won’t shut up if Exxon kills a few manky seabirds with an oil spill, but they’re strangely silent if a shark eats an endangered bluefin tuna.

“Liberals all believe in global warming too, even though by now everyone realises it was made up by scientists to get rich from their massive research grants.

“They’re such fucking idiots.”

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Train woman pulling that bag on seat bullshit

A PASSENGER on a busy train is acting like her bags are not on the seat next to her.

Businesswoman Nikki Hollis is staring straight ahead, pretending to be thinking important thoughts, while fellow travellers wander up and down the aisle looking for seats.

An onlooker said: “She’s acting like she doesn’t know she’s taking the piss, but she’s trying slightly too hard which proves she knows she’s taking the piss.

“She’ll move her shit when asked, and pretend to be fine with it, she’s just hoping the bags act as enough of a deterrent that she gets two seats. But it’s a high-stakes game that could result in getting told off by the conductor.

“And if you get told off by the conductor, you might as well be dead.”

Hollis said: “Look straight ahead. Look straight ahead. Look straight ahead.”