New record sees woman make it to 9.05am before hearing word 'Brexit'

A WOMAN set a new record today by not hearing anyone say ‘Brexit’ for almost two hours after waking.

Mary Fisher forgot to turn the radio on after getting up at 7.30am and opted to listen to music on her commute, thus avoiding the B-word for a euphoric 95 minutes.

She said: “It was like the good old days. I was able to fret about health issues and work concerns, rather than the performance of the pound.”

However, Fisher’s bliss was shattered upon her arrival at work, when a colleague said: “Fucking Brexit. Have you seen what’s happening with Heineken?”

Foreign secretary Boris Johnson currently holds the national record for not hearing the term, only ending a five-day streak earlier this week while listening to an angry voicemail from Theresa May.

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Divorced man with Union Jack mug looking around empty flat

A MAN who opened divorce proceedings against his wife yesterday is looking around his bare flat wondering why he feels no different. 

Tom Booker, aged 38, announced his intention to leave in June last year and after nine months of argument is finally free, single and expecting to begin enjoying it any moment now.

He said: “I’ve got my life back. I’ve restored my self-determination. From now on, Booker does what Booker wants to do.

“Yeah it’s alright this place. Bit small, and there aren’t really any other rooms to go in, but it’s gonna be party central. The old gang will be round all the time, unless they’ve got prior family commitments.

“I would’ve loved to see her face when she got the letter from the lawyer. And the divorce settlement’s a guaranteed win, because judges always favour the one who buggers off.

“Tonight I’ll pop a Rustlers burger in the microwave then channel-hop until I fall asleep on the sofa surrounded by dirty cutlery. If I want company I can always look at myself in the mirror.”

Booker added: “And I’ve got my mug.”