Coalition 'to last at least another week', warn forecasters

THE coalition which has blighted the summer could last until August, it has been claimed.

The current government, which is the worst since records began, is likely to hover over England, suspended by waves of inertia, until at least next month.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “You might assume that something as miserable as the Cameron-Clegg coalition couldn’t last longer than a few days.

“It seems, however, that despite George Osborne, there is no immediate end in sight.”

Events organiser Carolyn Ryan said, “I try not to let it dampen my spirits. But some days I just stare out of the window and chant, Cameron, Clegg, go away, don’t come back, just go away.”

Youth worker Roy Hobbs said: “It’s the kids I feel sorry for. You think of all the things they could be doing with their lives if it weren’t for this relentless bloody shower.”

Areas worst hit by the government are the regions, including Wales and the North, although even the South East has suffered, with broken banks a major problem.

Speaking from Barbados, David Cameron said, “We’re all finding it unpleasant in the current climate but I’m convinced that unbroken, drizzling despair is exactly the kind of misery Britain needs, and will prove cheering in the long run.”



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Carroll could be released back into wild

ANDY Carroll may be allowed to roam free amongst his kind once more as Liverpool consider an offer for his rehoming.

The undomesticated Geordie has had an unhappy time since his capture and display at Liverpool, despite the club’s best efforts to recreate his natural environment by keeping his pen stocked with WKD and edible nightclub bouncers.

Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers said: “Newcastle have offered to release him into the brutal but beautiful landscape of the Bigg Market where he can gallop after hen parties to his heart’s content.

“While it would be a shame to lose such a magnificent specimen as Andy, when he’s hardly touching the pies we toss into his pen you have to concede he’s not happy.

Rodgers is now looking into the practicalities of transporting Carroll back to Newcastle, as long journeys present the risk of stress and injury in his containment pen.

The manager will work with the handlers in the England camp who organised the thousand mile journey from Liverpool to Krakow for Carroll for the Euro 2012 tournament by recreating a strip club in the hold of a cargo plane.

Liverpool will take a massive loss by releasing Carroll but hope to make the most of his enclosure by replacing him with Manchester City’s Tevez. The club’s keepers feel it is the environment the striker, who has frequently escaped from Manchester City to return to his homeland, may be looking for.

Rodgers said: “I think we’ve learned a lesson that you just can’t keep Geordies in captivity, however much they may fascinate us, as it can do terrible things to them – anybody that saw the Beardsley they had here years ago will tell you that.”