COP28 celebrates historic fossil fuel agreement by setting fire to oil well

DELEGATES at COP28 have celebrated their decision to move away from fossil fuels by setting fire to an oil well, it has emerged.

Countries at the UN climate summit in Dubai are patting themselves on the back for agreeing to phase out fossil fuels as they enjoy the ceremonial inferno of an oil well going up in flames.

Britain’s minister for climate change Graham Stuart said: “Wow, look at it go. I thought it would be a pathetic, corporate affair, but no. It’s really f**king going for it.

“It’s a wonderful symbol of destroying our dependence on oil. Everyone was accusing us of being massive hypocrites as we flew in from all over to attend a climate conference, but setting fire to an oil well sends a powerful message to the world that we mean business.

“I bet fossil fuel companies will be quaking in their boots. Maybe for an encore we’ll burn a load of coal or light up a fracking well. Imagine how impressive an explosion at a kerosene refinery would look.

“And once we’ve burnt them all away fossil fuels will be a thing of the past, which is what everyone wants. This hydrocarbon-belching blaze will act as a beacon of hope that I’m sure will be remembered for generations to come.”

He added: “I’m sure Greenpeace will try to find some sort of obscure problem with it though. They’re never f**king happy.”

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'But what's actually wrong with friends with benefits?' ask men

MEN have asked women what is really wrong with a ‘friends with benefits’ scenario. 

Having spent years trying to convince women of the obvious merits of a friendly casual sex arrangement, men are trying to pin down what they think the disadvantages actually are.

Man Tom Logan said: “Friendship is nice. Sex is nice. Put them together and what have you got? Double nice.

“Friends with benefits means you can have a satisfying sexual relationship and then maybe engage in other activities you both enjoy, like walking in the park, watching the football or farting competitions. 

“And you don’t have any of the downsides of a long-term relationship, like getting bored, meeting each other’s families or pretending to care about their feelings.

“Friendship is such a lovely thing that you shouldn’t just restrict it to one person. It’s best to have lots of friends with benefits, preferably all under 35 and large-breasted. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t hang out in a group of, say, six friends – five women and me. 

“Of course, if women ask if this is what I’m after, I will say no, I’m seeking a serious long-term monogamous relationship. I’m not f**king stupid.”

Woman Charlotte Phelps said: “So I can have disappointing sex and no birthday presents? Sign me up as Casual Shag #3.”