Dog don’t see nothing wrong with a little bump ’n grind

A TERRIER humping a stranger’s shin has described how his mind is telling him no but his body’s telling him yes.

Yorkshire terrier Tom Logan pounced on the visitor’s leg and grasped it with his surprisingly powerful forepaws.

He said: “I’ll love you like you need to be loved. No need to look no more, because I’ve opened up the door.

“You need someone like me, to make love to you constantly.

“Lady, spend the night.”

However, 38-year-old Roy Hobbs, the object of Logan’s affection, said: “Get the fuck off.”

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Morrissey novel demands shelf to itself

MORRISSEY’S new novel has condemned everything else in the bookshop.

List of the Lost said: “Oh, the precious preening of Amis, the exotic effluences of Rushdie, the plodding procedurals of Jo Nesbo. Spare me their callous cacophony. 

“Shelve me alone, though I will permit Russell Brand to be on the next shelf along.

“And do not dare to mark your place with a leather bookmark. My covers shall curl away from such barbarity.”

It added: “I will only permit you to read me while seated upstairs on an otherwise empty bus, on a rainswept trip through nameless English towns full of lonely, dreaming boys who look like a young Terence Stamp.”

Bookseller Julian Cook said: “This book has ideas above its commercial viability. Let’s see how it likes ending up remaindered in Book Discount Zone, alongside Ainsley Harriott and SAS survival manuals.

“I predict it will get a kicking.”