Dog ready to take relationship with cushion to next level

A DOG has confirmed that he is ready to take his growing relationship with a cushion to a more physical level.

Labrador Julian Cook said: “When I first saw the green velvety cushion – or ‘Jenny’ as I call her – I was attracted to her sheen-y fabric and the way she rustled coquettishly when I buried my nose in her.

“On a basic animal level I wanted to scrunch her up with my forepaws and frantically hump her, but I felt it was important we got to know each other as people first.

“Over the past week I’ve asked her about her favourite food, whether she prefers modern or classical music and what are her favourite aromas. She didn’t reply though, probably due to being a cushion.

“Even so, I sensed that the vibe between us was growing. I’m ready, the cushion’s ready.

“Now it’s time to make sweet love until someone comes into the living room and shouts at me.”

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Strikes work brilliantly, says Jeremy Hunt

STRIKING is the absolute best way to get any improvement to pay and working conditions, the health secretary has conceded. 

The advice follows the government’s decision to compromise with junior doctors after a campaign of industrial action which has, according to Hunt, “been an unqualified success.” 

He continued: “For decades, the Conservative wisdom has been that collective bargaining and threats to withdraw labour are always unsuccessful. Boy, did we get that wrong.

“Turns out you can’t actually run a service without key workers, and when they gang up you’ve got no option but to totally capitulate and give them everything they want. 

“My advice to anyone out there unhappy with their job is to get in a union and get out on the picket lines. Seriously, it works a fucking treat.” 

He added: “We really should try getting some of these unions involved in our party. Funding, leadership votes, that kind of thing.

“The power in a capitalist system was with the proletariat all along. Mental.”