Dogs ready to have senses overloaded

DOGS around the UK are determined not to lose it this year when the banging starts.

Millions of pets are steeling themselves for an event that will massively overload every one of their highly-tuned senses.

Alsatian Tom Booker said: “There’s nothing like a combination of blinding lights, banging and the powerful stench of gunpowder to send ‘danger’ signals flashing through every neuron of my animal brain.

“This year though, I’m not getting under the table or running around the living room simultaneously barking and urinating.

“I’m mentally prepared, it’s very clear in my mind that this is all in the name of entertainment.”

He added: “As a dog, the concepts of history and parliament are impossible for me to fully grasp, but they are why this is happening.

“Also, in my mind I have formed the image of a calm, babbling brook in a sunny meadow, with birds singing and a light breeze. It’s a simple visualisation technique.

“I’m in a great – fuck. What the fuck was that? Okay, it’s just a car alarm. Fuck, shit. Okay, I’m fine.”

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Men facing Candy Crush discrimination

MALE Candy Crush Saga players are victims of a ‘sugar ceiling’, it has been claimed.

Player Wayne Hayes highlighted gender discrimination after posting his score to Facebook with a meme of Clark Gable looking smug and the words ‘No dinner tonight, kids: Dad’s playing Candy Crush’.

Haynes said: “The female Candy Crush aristocracy wants the game to be seen as a feminine guilty pleasure, like fireman calendars and diet chocolate drinks.

“There’s definitely a lack of humorous, gender-appropriate Facebook memes for male Candy Crush Saga addicts.

“People assume that because I’m a bloke, my children aren’t going without meals because of the game.

“But I do the cooking at home and I’m proud to say my children are not getting any dinner tonight, because I’m too busy making rows of electronic sweets disintegrate.”

Hayes became serious about the game after receiving over a hundred invites from colleagues and became world men’s Candy Crush Saga number one after clearing all the jelly at level 14 in an unprecedented 38 moves.

He said: “I’d just like to thank the 311 people who showed their support by liking my high score on Facebook.

“To all those schoolboys who get bullied for preferring Candy Crush Saga to Call of Duty, I did this for you.”