THE climate crisis is here, it’s happening, and it’s harder on the middle-classes than anyone because they’ve so much more to lose. Here’s how:
Only three foreign holidays a year
When you’re accustomed to skiing in February, Sicily in summer and a cheeky October break because you deserve it, this is real hardship. It’s the economies of Provence and Tuscany who’ll really suffer from your moronic family not swinging through taking a passing interest at their cultural offerings.
A 4×4 for the floods
You’ve only just relocated to the countryside and now there’s all this dreadful flooding you just can’t get through in the Honda Civic, so you’ve really got no choice but to upgrade to something a little more rugged. But they should still be banned for city-dwellers.
Even more second car guilt
Technically you don’t need both the Ford C-Max and the Land Rover, but you can’t choose between them. That would be like deciding who’s the best of your amazingly talented children. Instead you’ll continue to run both while explaining to anyone who’ll listen that you feel terrible about it.
An overabundance of olives
Rocketing temperatures mean we’ll be able to grow olives in the UK and the market will be flooded. Before long people who watch Love Island unironically will be struggling to enjoy them just like you, so you’ll be forced to find a twatty new food that makes you feel special.
Swap snowboarding for ashboarding
In a few years the slopes of the Pyrenees will be covered not in snow but the ashes of burning forests, so switch up. Think creatively and get into ashboarding wearing hugely expensive garish fireproof clothing that you can comfortably afford and your superiority can survive this crisis.
Fewer opportunities to show off
How are you meant to rub everyone’s face in your holiday home’s infinity pool when it’s engulfed by wildfires? Even a self-deprecating caption like ‘not a bad place to watch the world burn’ won’t polish that turd. Think about joining Extinction Rebellion right now. Take it over, in fact. Because now it’s about you.