Driving a 4x4 through floods: how climate change will affect the middle classes

THE climate crisis is here, it’s happening, and it’s harder on the middle-classes than anyone because they’ve so much more to lose. Here’s how: 

Only three foreign holidays a year

When you’re accustomed to skiing in February, Sicily in summer and a cheeky October break because you deserve it, this is real hardship. It’s the economies of Provence and Tuscany who’ll really suffer from your moronic family not swinging through taking a passing interest at their cultural offerings.

A 4×4 for the floods

You’ve only just relocated to the countryside and now there’s all this dreadful flooding you just can’t get through in the Honda Civic, so you’ve really got no choice but to upgrade to something a little more rugged. But they should still be banned for city-dwellers.

Even more second car guilt

Technically you don’t need both the Ford C-Max and the Land Rover, but you can’t choose between them. That would be like deciding who’s the best of your amazingly talented children. Instead you’ll continue to run both while explaining to anyone who’ll listen that you feel terrible about it.

An overabundance of olives

Rocketing temperatures mean we’ll be able to grow olives in the UK and the market will be flooded. Before long people who watch Love Island unironically will be struggling to enjoy them just like you, so you’ll be forced to find a twatty new food that makes you feel special.

Swap snowboarding for ashboarding

In a few years the slopes of the Pyrenees will be covered not in snow but the ashes of burning forests, so switch up. Think creatively and get into ashboarding wearing hugely expensive garish fireproof clothing that you can comfortably afford and your superiority can survive this crisis.

Fewer opportunities to show off

How are you meant to rub everyone’s face in your holiday home’s infinity pool when it’s engulfed by wildfires? Even a self-deprecating caption like ‘not a bad place to watch the world burn’ won’t polish that turd. Think about joining Extinction Rebellion right now. Take it over, in fact. Because now it’s about you.

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Five things to put on your dating profile if you're getting too many matches

GETTING a little too much action from Tinder/Bumble/Hinge? Add these to provide sweet relief from non-stop dating: 

You with your ex

Seeing a picture of your potential fling in the arms of another can be perplexing. A friend, they’ll enquire? Sister? Cousin? Leave them in no doubt – this is your ex, you miss them terribly and no, no-one could never live up to them.

Quote a horror film

‘Here’s Johnny!’ works especially well if your name isn’t Johnny, but you could also go down the Saw route if you’re feeling fun. ‘Do you want to play a game? Where I make myself as off-putting and creepy as possible?’

Random landscape photo

You’ve got a limited number of slots for photos on these things, so why not waste one with a photo of the Lake District? It also implies you don’t have pictures of yourself because you have no friends, which is a reassuring red flag.

List of people you’ve slept with

Why stop at your body count where you could explain in detail who you’ve slept with, when and how good it was? Provides much-needed context and the tantalising prospect of being added at the bottom of the list.

Three lies, no truths

If someone really wants to get to know you they’ll ask. Why not get creative with your lies in the meantime? Keep them guessing with a triad of lies including ‘Drug addiction isn’t for me’, ‘I have a good income and own my own home’ and ‘I’ve never had sex dreams about Margaret Thatcher’.