Britain’s Olympic heroes prove we're best at everything, says country unable to supply own food

THE UK has proudly proclaimed that its Olympic heroes mean it is a major world power, while ignoring empty supermarket shelves. 

Team GB’s incredible haul of 65 medals, placing us fourth in the table, has announced to the whole world that we are a nation to be reckoned with though admittedly also a nation that cannot get cucumbers.

Nathan Muir of Hereford said: “We’ve got medals in BMX, in modern pentathlon, in female weightlifting. That’s what matters. Stale bread tastes fine if you toast it.

“When Jason Kenny’s won seven gold medals in keirin, which I believe is a kind of cycling martial art, only small-minded petty losers with families to feed would carp about all the shelves in Sainsbury’s being empty by 10am.

“And it’s all because of Brexit. The amazing Olympic triumph that’s made us admired and feared around the world I mean, not the Army having to deliver dog food. Though that too.

“We may be looking at a long, hard winter of rationing and fuel shortages, but those accumulated medals will keep us feeling well-fed and warm. Thanks, heroes.”

He added: “Right, bored with that. I’m off to Tesco to threaten a shelf-stacker because there’s no Marmite.”

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Six unbelievably cheap flights to places you'll regret flying to

LAST-MINUTE holidays are booming, with more and more destinations on the green list.  But what are the real bargains? 

Benidorm, return flight and two weeks’ accommodation £230

Affordable, but exposure to extreme right-wing politics from fellow holidaymakers and expatriates guaranteed. High likelihood of contracting Covid on easyJet, falling off a hotel balcony whilst pissed or being beaten by Spanish police. Do a good Full English breakfast though.

Kabul, return flight £115

Afghanistan’s exotic, vibrant and increasingly lively capital is the ideal destination if you’ve been cooped up somewhere boring like Huddersfield, especially with the Taliban returning like a 90s trend. The weather is superb, but remember to pack a flak jacket and flip flops.

Syria, single flight £60

Perfect for sun-seekers looking to top up their tans in blazing desert heat. Be wary of accidental obliteration in indiscriminate government bombing attacks and do not approach anyone or attempt to enter a town, particularly if full of angry men in black clothing.

Mongo, return flight £10

The homeworld of Ming the Merciless has its downsides, such as torture, death and camp sci-fi battles, but is refreshingly different and authentic compared to traditional destinations like Tuscany. Go now before it’s full of Guardian readers.

The Falkland Islands, return flight £2,700

Great for a stag do or other lads’ holiday, if you’re up for sex with penguins. Port Stanley is not noted for its nightclubs, but what better way to shake off a hangover than a healthy tramp across the golden grasslands trying not to step on unexploded munitions?

Mordor, return flight £1

Wonderful sight-seeing opportunities for Instagram such as the impressive Eye of Sauron and the blazing majesty of Mount Doom. A slight danger of being eaten by orcs, but with a good local guide such as Gollum there really shouldn’t be any problems.