Eight things to do when your holiday cottage is hit by a massive storm

HAS your lovely holiday weather been brought to an end by a huge storm? Here’s eight things to do until it’s over: 

Look out of the window

Isn’t there a lot of rain coming down? Isn’t it coming down fast? You could see for miles this morning and now you can hardly see across the next field. Don’t you feel nice and safe?

Look out of the other window

If you go upstairs, you can see a family caught in the rain. See, they’re running in shorts and flip-flops! They haven’t got coats! Their fish-and-chips are getting soaked! That one’s fallen over! Such innocent fun.

Get a boardgame out

There’s some boardgames in the cottage, so why not play one? Let’s set this one up, with the hexagons. Oh, some of the bits are missing. Okay, what about Cluedo? Half of this one’s missing as well. Still, passed ten minutes.

Put the telly on

Well, nothing else to do, might as well put the telly on. Ah it’s not working. Must be because of the storm. Just static. And this channel. And this channel. And Dave.

Put a DVD on

There’s loads of DVDs, let’s put one of those on. Watch a film. Not a great selection though to be honest. Most of these were free with the Mail on Sunday in the 00s. The Wild Geese, why not, never seen it.

The electricity’s gone off

Shit. Is it a power cut? Is it lightning? The street light’s still on. Didn’t it mention something about this in the cottage book? Who’s got a phone with some charge?

Find the trip switch

Bloody ridiculous this. Meant to be a holiday. Where does it say the fuse box is? F**king hell it’s outside. Right I’m going out. This must be the one. Has that worked? No that’s the other cottage. Sorry! This one. That’s worked.

Look out of the window again

Rain’s easing off now. Cooled everything down a bit. There’s that family again. Looking for something. Must have dropped their car keys.

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Teachers are the real bastards, says government

BRITAIN’S biggest problem is not coronavirus or Brexit but the bastards who educate small children, the government has confirmed.  

Education secretary Gavin Williamson has warned that a Viet Cong-style movement of teachers is determined to destroy the country in between teaching five-year-olds to read and dealing with wee-related accidents.

Williamson said: “Look at the curriculum. They literally teach Marxism.

“The question is how long it takes them to shift their strategy from feigned concern about ‘safety’ to committing a terrorist atrocity similar to 9/11.

“These politically motivated fanatics are deliberately sabotaging the reopening of schools so that concerned parents can’t do their national duty of returning to work and buying sandwiches and cappuccinos.

“Are they just lazy and workshy? Do they dislike children and want them to grow up thick? Do they vote Labour? Probably all three.

“MI5 will shut down any teacher who shows concern about pupils or their at-risk relatives. Our agents will shoot to kill. That’s how much I value education.”