Extreme weather not going to stop Britons having a fag

BRITAIN’S cigarette addicts have confirmed that no amount of bad weather will stop them inhaling carcinogens.

Come rain or shine

With snow and sub-zero winds predicted, smokers said they would be having their fag break even if there is a cyclone with cows and buildings swirling around in it.

Sales co-ordinator Stephen Malley said: “I’m in that office for hours at a time, staring at a computer screen, hating everything about the day.

“So if you think a bit of rain, thunder or a mild blizzard will stop me going outside for a smoke, you are very much mistaken.

“And if you think I should maybe try an electronic cigarette instead, I would suggest you maybe switch to decaffeinated coffee. Yeah.”

Hospital patient Nikki Hollis agreed: “Major surgery hasn’t stopped me from enjoying hourly gaspers in the bus shelter, so I’m damned if something as paltry as 16 feet of snow is getting in my way. I am literally burning my way through all obstacles.”

Non-smoker Roy Hobbs said: “I might be likely to live a lot longer than them, but I wish I had something in my life I was that passionate about.

“They are, in their modest way, heroes.”

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Lib Dems cut off after single syllable

ATTEMPTS by the Liberal Democrats to outline their agenda have been aggressively shushed as soon as they began.


Treasury secretary Danny Alexander, speaking on Radio 4’s Today, said “Rai-“ before interviewer John Humphrys interrupted to introduce an item about falling heron numbers.

A BBC spokesman said: “In the next six months the Liberal Democrats will present themselves as a viable party of government which, for so many reasons, is untrue.

“Legally we’re on sticky ground if we actually ban them, so they’re allowed on but not allowed to say whole words. Apart from ‘if’, ‘and’ or ‘but’, and to be honest we’re unhappy about that loophole.”

The policy, which has been adopted by all media outlets, is considered to be pre-approved by the public who have been using it on doorsteps and while watching TV since 2012.

Wayne Hayes of Warrington said: “The Lib Dems had one idea, we had a referendum on it, they lost.

“Listening to them further would be like investigating the back catalogue of Joe Dolce; a waste of everybody’s time, not least theirs.”

Leading Liberal Democrats, asked for comment on the policy, variously said “Wha-“, “I”, “We-“, and “Boll-“.

Those constituencies that return Lib Dem MPs anyway, like Brecon and Radnorshire, are expected to continue to do so without anyone ever understanding why.