Face paint threatens Amazon ecosystem

MILLIONS of gallons of face paint washed off in the wake of Brazil’s humiliating defeat have turned the nation’s rivers turquoise.

Naturalists reported purple-ish flamingos and green-furred coypus, as distraught football fans rush to wash basins or simply allow their tears to form rivulets of blue and yellow paint.

Ecologist Roy Hobbs said: “The rainforest risks becoming a lurid, barren hell, all because of over-reaction to a ball game.

“Wildlife uses colour as a signal. For example, the skin tone of a poisonous tree frog that normally warns raptors not to eat it has been changed to a more tempting stripy green.

“Meanwhile the infertile capybara female’s dyed pink rump invites passing males to exhaust themselves having pointless sex with her.”

Emergency legislation means that it is now illegal for Brazilians to remove any remaining face paint, even if they have to attend a high-stakes business meeting.

In a related incident, discarded David Luis and Marcello wigs were reported to have formed a Guernsey-sized floating island at the mouth of the River Plate.

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I need a refresher course in the Scottish tongue

Dear Holly,

I’m a bit worried about my upcoming debate with Alex Salmond over Scottish independence. It’s not that I can’t argue my case; far from it, it’s just I can’t understand a damn word these jocks are saying. Despite hailing from the land of brawling and tablet myself, I can do longer do the tribal argot. Is it possible to get a refresher course in Scottish before we commence?

Alistair Darling


Dear Alistair,

The only Scottish person I know is that ginger girl from Woolly and Tig on CBeebies. If she is anything to go by, all Scottish people are absolutely insane and have to consult with an annoying Cockney spider before they make any major decisions. Also, did you know that Scottish people say ‘wee’ instead of ‘small’. What I want to know is, how do they know when they are talking about size as opposed to using the toilet? It must get very confusing for the Scottish nation. No wonder they need guidance from a spider.

Hope that helps!