A CHEAP electrical device stirring air about is not going to stop anyone being very hot, scientists have confirmed.
Research has found that a standard oscillating fan fails to reduce heat levels below disgusting, cooling only the equivalent level of an ant breathing heavily.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s going to be bloody boiling for a week. You’re going to be miserable about it. Fans will do f**k all.
“Stop planning your quick trip to Argos. Gadgets are no use here. They’ll only ensure you wake up in the morning with a mouth that feels like the Sahara desert’s shat in it.
“A wavy device won’t stop your face going red and no matter how much you waft the air about you’ll still get up from every chair with a sweaty squelch. Suck it up.
“Climate change? Yeah, that’s happening. We warned you. A fan’s not going to do any good there either, so stop pissing about with your pointless breeze machine and do something about carbon.”
Hannah Tomlinson of Gravesend said: “Yes, absolutely, I get all that. But hear me out, what about one of those fancy column fans?”