DANI Dyer, Gemma Owen, Jack Keating: Love Island has become a creche for adult celebrity children. These are rumoured to be next:
The nephew of the drummer from Chumbawamba
The Leeds-based DJ-turned-butcher caught the eye of producers for his glittering celebrity connections. Has no discernible personality of his own, but it’s hoped the barely sentient sleeve-tattoo will reveal secrets of the 1997 one-hit wonders while awkwardly trying to chat up a personal trainer by a sun-lounger.
Charlie off Casualty’s daughter
Desperate not to live in her father’s massive shadow, will spend 80 per cent of her time in the villa talking about how difficult it was growing up surrounded by the rich and famous of Casualty. After being kicked out will make appearances in regional nightclubs before being cancelled for promoting unlicensed vitamin pills on TikTok.
Ant McPartlin’s second cousin twice removed
Booked to fulfil the Geordie quota, producers were thrilled to learn that this South Shields bombshell had a celebrity cousin she’s met twice. Controversy ensues when she realises she meant the other one.
Timmy Mallet’s nephew’s ex-wife
When Timmy Mallet’s nephew’s ex-wife got in touch asking to be put on that ‘island with all the young shaggable blokes,’ producers knew they’d struck gold. Well into her 50s, Mavis proves popular for banging anyone who fancies it.
Alan Ruscoe’s grandson
Household name Ruscoe has played a host of Doctor Who villains, three monsters in The Phantom Menace and is a huge draw on the regional comic-con circuit. His grandson has spent his whole life coasting on being related to this massive celebrity and is now using it to try and get a blowjob off a beautician from Reading.