Charlie off Casualty's daughter: the next five celebrity children entering Love Island

DANI Dyer, Gemma Owen, Jack Keating: Love Island has become a creche for adult celebrity children. These are rumoured to be next: 

The nephew of the drummer from Chumbawamba

The Leeds-based DJ-turned-butcher caught the eye of producers for his glittering celebrity connections. Has no discernible personality of his own, but it’s hoped the barely sentient sleeve-tattoo will reveal secrets of the 1997 one-hit wonders while awkwardly trying to chat up a personal trainer by a sun-lounger.

Charlie off Casualty’s daughter

Desperate not to live in her father’s massive shadow, will spend 80 per cent of her time in the villa talking about how difficult it was growing up surrounded by the rich and famous of Casualty. After being kicked out will make appearances in regional nightclubs before being cancelled for promoting unlicensed vitamin pills on TikTok.

Ant McPartlin’s second cousin twice removed

Booked to fulfil the Geordie quota, producers were thrilled to learn that this South Shields bombshell had a celebrity cousin she’s met twice. Controversy ensues when she realises she meant the other one.

Timmy Mallet’s nephew’s ex-wife

When Timmy Mallet’s nephew’s ex-wife got in touch asking to be put on that ‘island with all the young shaggable blokes,’ producers knew they’d struck gold. Well into her 50s, Mavis proves popular for banging anyone who fancies it.

Alan Ruscoe’s grandson

Household name Ruscoe has played a host of Doctor Who villains, three monsters in The Phantom Menace and is a huge draw on the regional comic-con circuit. His grandson has spent his whole life coasting on being related to this massive celebrity and is now using it to try and get a blowjob off a beautician from Reading.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Water bowls placed outside cafe for minimum wage workers

METAL bowls filled with tap water have been placed on pavements outside cafes for minimum wage workers toiling away in the heat.

The service, usually provided free of charge to dogs, has been expanded to minimum wage workers after it was discovered that they too need to stay hydrated during the heatwave.

Cafe owner Helen Archer said: “It’s gone down a storm. I can barely muscle my way through the throng of delivery drivers, warehouse packers and kitchen porters crowded round the front door, noisily lapping away. It’s a little kindness from us.

“Once they’ve had their fill they’ll either slump down on the pavement for a rest, or come in and shelter under one of our tables. Everyone’s always really happy to see them, give their hair a little stroke and feed them a biscuit.

“Some of them have asked what the water bowls are for, so I’m thinking of making a charmingly clumsy handwritten sign. Of course it’ll be for their owners, who can actually read.”

Car park attendant Wayne Hayes said: “All too often we’re treated like subhuman animals, so it’s nice to finally be shown the respect we deserve. Now if you excuse me, I’m off to shit in the park.”