Plastic grass, and ten other ways to be aggressively unfriendly to the environment

SICK to death of the bloody environment? Here’s how to rub it in the greenies’ faces:  

Plastic grass

Like grass and nature and stuff but don’t like the messiness of it being alive? Kill it all, replace it with unnaturally green plastic grass that you can hoover daily, and enjoy it in the remaining time before the world goes to hell.

Buy bottled water

Water from the tap just doesn’t have that je ne sais quoi? Which is to say branding and packaging. You prefer water bottled in plastic, wrapped in plastic on pallets and transported hundreds of miles to you. It’s just better.

Drive an SUV

The epitome of not giving a shit, driving on well-paved suburban roads guzzling diesel just because you f**king can. Every school run kills three antelopes and you’re proud of that.

Taking long-haul family holidays

The Canaries and Tuscany are for half-term. For proper summer holidays you’ve got air miles to use, the Maldives to visit and a photo of your tiny kid ensconced in a massive business class seat to Instagram.

Buying flown-in fruit and veg

Buying apples from New Zealand when you have an apple tree at the end of the garden? Yes, because those apples might have a worm in.

Leaving the freezer door open while you amble across the kitchen

Seems innocent and enjoyable while being immensely, decadently wasteful. A delicious punch in the face for Mother Earth.

Leaving the front door open in winter

You’re a careless free spirit, blithe and barefoot as you take out the recycling while hours worth of carefully built-up heating wafts out behind you into the universe. Nice one.

Buying over-packaged kids toys

How about kids’ toys where unwrapping the toy is actually the whole experience? Raises a whole new generation of reckless consumers. What’s inside is fiddly plastic crap that’ll end up in the bin after five whole minutes.

Disposables at your children’s party

Sweeping everything into a bin bag means a quick thrill of speed-tidying, followed by approximately thirty years of Peppa Pig plates slowly mouldering in a landfill.

A gas heater for the patio

Efficient: wearing a jumper. Mildly dickish: heating your home so you can swan around in T-shirt and shorts. Apocalyptically selfish: trying to heat up the whole of the outside world just for your pleasure.

International work travel

Do you need to fly to Singapore to discuss plans for a product launch? Of course you f**king don’t. You just want to swan around for a few days and watch porn in your hotel room.

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We've left the EU, so why are we sweltering in their unbearably hot weather?

ASK any Brit what they know about abroad and they’ll tell you it’s too hot. So why are we suffering their continental temperatures? 

Britain left the European Union in 2020. The single market, the customs union, the lot. And ever since then our so-called neighbours across the channel have done everything possible to spite us.

From refusing to take all the refugees to insisting we follow the withdrawal agreement, EUrocrats are single-mindedly focused on bashing Britain. And now they’re doing it with the weather.

Ignore the experts. When I step onto the streets of my Surrey town and the sun’s shining like I’m in Praia da Luz, you can’t fool me. I know where that’s come from.

All their other tricks haven’t worked so now Europe’s trying to bake us out. For years they’ve heard us say ‘it’s alright for a holiday but I couldn’t live here’ as we traipse around Kos, and now they’re acting on it.

They know we don’t live in beachside resorts with swimming pools like they do. They know how much we suffer when it’s boiling and there’s no all-inclusive bar handing out iced cocktails.

Make no mistake, they’re laughing at us. They’ve got our good summer rain and they’re chuckling at the thought of our sunburned faces in the suffocating heat they’ve piped over.

Bloody Europeans. Is there anything that’s not their fault? I’m voting for whichever Tory promises to sort this sun out.