Middle-class family think Aldi is food bank

A MIDDLE-CLASS family have nothing but sympathy for the plight of those poor people visiting Aldi, which they believe is a food bank. 

The Cooks, of East Grinstead, drove past their local branch of Aldi and expressed amazement that food banks are such an established part of British life that it looks almost like a normal supermarket.

Julian Cook, partner at a law practice, said: “I’m torn. It’s marvellous that they’ve made it resemble an ordinary part of British life and taken away the stigma and shame.

“Yet at the same time it pains me that poverty has become so endemic that it’s a professional set-up. I mean we saw one of these on holiday in Weymouth. As a nation we shouldn’t stand for that.

Wife Hannah Cook agreed: “You see the people, pushing their trolleys full of unbranded goods to their cars and your heart absolutely sinks. You wish you could do something, but I already do a direct debit for £20 a month so I’m at my limit. 

“One of the juniors at work mentioned that he popped in for lunch. Just admitted it, like it was no big deal. Incredibly brave but it’s tragic how accepted it’s become.” 

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Tory leadership candidates ranked from 'f**k no' to 'kill me now'

THE Conservative leadership race is on and the entire country will be the loser, because one of these bellends will be our next prime minister: 

Rishi Sunak

Miniature millionaire Sunak has created an economy so f**ked that only he can fix it with the aid of his wife, who pays no taxes because she hovers a metre above the ground.

Liz Truss

Dress-up doll Liz looks stunning in up to sixteen different outfits including Wing Commander Truss, Soviet Truss, Policewoman Truss, Gothic Truss and Brighton Beach Buggy Truss. Saving her policies as a post-election surprise.

Sajid Javid

Proud to have resigned from Johnson’s government not once but twice, Javid comes from humble origins which we’re going to hear about repeatedly. Brother Bas is a deputy assistant commissioner in the Met, which should come in handy.

Jeremy Hunt

Having taken the pandemic off so he could be rested and relaxed, former health minister Hunt’s party has moved so far right in his absence he might as well be Jeremy Corbyn.

Nadhim Zahawi

Planning to run on his strong record as chancellor since Wednesday, Zahawi is under investigation by HMRC for his tax affairs before even taking office, which seems great.

Penny Mordaunt

Popular with the public because they don’t know much about her. Once captained a ship, which is more impressive than anything she’s done since. Financial/sexual scandal to be released Wednesday.

Rehman Chishti

Very much the dark horse of the competition, Chishti has entered the competition to be the dark horse of the competition.

Suella Braverman 

Widely unknown, dauntingly right-wing and unafraid to break international law, Braverman is a Buddhist, which comes as a f**king surprise.

Grant Shapps

Shapps, the Man of a Thousand Faces, is currently the transport secretary presiding over train strikes and airport chaos with no clue what to do about either.

Kemi Badenoch

The only candidate with the Michael Gove seal of approval, as seen on processed ham, darknet fishscale cocaine and Nintendo games of the 1980s.

Tom Tugendhat

Outsider who hopes to be embraced by the public so his surname becomes a euphenism for wanking, as in ‘That’s my Zoom done, now for a Tugendhat.’