Farmers celebrate spring by spraying shit everywhere

FARMERS have decided to spray gallons of rotting excrement everywhere now that it is nice to go outside again, it has emerged.

Agricultural workers do not believe spring has truly arrived until the air is thick with the putrid smell of fermented animal waste.

Farmer Tom Logan said: “Liquid manure is farmers’ way of celebrating the new, fertile season. People are in for a treat because I’ve just loaded up the spreader with some especially ripe shit that’s been maturing all winter in a big metal tank.

“It’s like a fine champagne, except made of stewed pig turds.

“There are other fertilisers that are just as effective and come as odourless pellets, but the traditional ways are the best. Apart from battery farms and injecting sheep with steroids.

“I definitely wouldn’t sit down with a beer in the evening and laugh about all the townies almost puking when their delicate little noses smell my slurry. Farmers just aren’t like that.”

Villager Emma Bradford said: “Today I stepped into the garden to pick some flowers and it was as if Satan had farted into my brain.”

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Royalists now just weird people

THE only people who support the monarchy are rather strange with a lot of time on their hands, it has emerged.

As the Queen’s birthday celebrations get underway it became obvious that most royalists either love sentimental drivel, lead slightly tragic lives or are utterly obsessive patriots.

Shop assistant Nikki Hollis said: “I support the monarchy because Prince George is so adorable, just like my vast collection of Muppet Babies I talk to about my internet dating problems.

“I’d like to steal him and dress him up in a rabbit costume with big floppy ears. Did I say that out loud?”

Pensioner Roy Hobbs said: “For me the Royal family represent an era when Britain was great, women knew how to cook properly and the telly just showed war films instead of nancy boys in makeup.

“I always hang out my Union Jack on the Queen’s birthday, the anniversary of the sinking of the Tirpitz and Margaret Thatcher’s resignation thanks to the traitor Heseltine.”

Jobseeker Mary Fisher said: “Whenever there’s an important royal event like Princess Eugenie’s birthday I get up at 3am and stand outside Buckingham Palace all day, so it’s lucky I’m unemployed.

“I make my own royal outfits to wear, by which I mean attaching pictures of Kate and Wills to my normal clothes with safety pins so it looks frightening.”