FARMERS have decided to spray gallons of rotting excrement everywhere now that it is nice to go outside again, it has emerged.
Agricultural workers do not believe spring has truly arrived until the air is thick with the putrid smell of fermented animal waste.
Farmer Tom Logan said: “Liquid manure is farmers’ way of celebrating the new, fertile season. People are in for a treat because I’ve just loaded up the spreader with some especially ripe shit that’s been maturing all winter in a big metal tank.
“It’s like a fine champagne, except made of stewed pig turds.
“There are other fertilisers that are just as effective and come as odourless pellets, but the traditional ways are the best. Apart from battery farms and injecting sheep with steroids.
“I definitely wouldn’t sit down with a beer in the evening and laugh about all the townies almost puking when their delicate little noses smell my slurry. Farmers just aren’t like that.”
Villager Emma Bradford said: “Today I stepped into the garden to pick some flowers and it was as if Satan had farted into my brain.”