Female panda 'just wants to stay friends'

THE UK’s panda breeding hopes are in shreds after female Tian Tian announced she likes her prospective partner as a friend.

Edinburgh Zoo’s male panda Yuang Guang is distraught after being ‘dealt the friend card’ by his enclosure-mate, which effectively puts sex off the menu forever.

Yuang Guang said: “I really thought she was into me. We spent a lot of quality time together in our enclosure, mainly hanging out by the man-made rock pool.

“She always laughs at my jokes, and the other evening she put her paw on my arm as the sun was setting.

“Now she’s giving me all this friend bullshit. I could have just pounced on her as she was coming into season but that’s not the sort of panda I am.”

Tian Tian said: “Yuang Guang is a really nice guy. He’ll make some other panda very happy.

“But I’m actually more into one of the timber wolves in the enclosure adjacent to ours. Despite the species gap, the way he dominates the pack really excites me.”

Zookeeper Nikki Hollis said: “Yuang Guang made his move shortly after feeding time last night, waking Tian Tian from a nap to say he wanted her to be his girlfriend.

“We were all covering our faces, like ‘no Yuang Guang, don’t do that! Just mount her!’ It was a disaster and now it’s really awkward in the enclosure.

“As much as I respect Tian Tian’s decision, it’d make all our lives a lot easier if she’d just, you know, do it with Yuang Guang.”

Responding to the suggestion, Tian Tian said: “What? No way! You people are fucked up.”



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New owl created for menopausal craft enthusiasts

A NEW species of owl has been created for people who sell things on craft websites.

‘Crafting’ fans hired genetic engineers to create the Rinjani Scops owl, which they hope will provide inspiration for owl-based ephemera.

Trinket maker Emma Bradford said: “We’d done pretty much everything possible with existing owl species, but this new bird opens up hundreds of knick-knack possibilities.

“Rinjani Scops owl candle soaps, Rinjani Scops owl scented drawer liners, Rinjani Scops owl sun visors…I could go on.”

Nikki Hollis, an ornithological style tweeter, explained: “Owls have a huge significance in the artisanal world.

“We classify an owl as anything with big eyes and a decent mark up value – like Lily Cole, if Lily Cole ate shrews.”

Geneticist Dr Roy Hobbs said: “I’m working closely with the craft community to make new animals with appealing, iconic facial features.

“Currently I’m doing some mottled snakes for people who make draught excluders and sock puppets.

“Also I’m splicing together a new dung beetle that will be introduced to Namibia and subsequently form the basis of a garish Christmas tree ornament.”