Carnival cruise passengers offered new identities

CRUISE passengers who endured the Carnival Triumph will be able to start a new life with a different name.

The 4,200 wretched souls, currently being hosed down in Alabama, are expected to be shunned or victimised after spending four days on a sticky boat full of raw sewage.

A spokesman said: “We are offering each passenger the chance to start again in a strange town.

“We will arrange employment and housing and each person will get a tailor-made ‘back story’ that does not involve ever being on a ship.”

Tom Logan and his wife Sandra, both GPs from Dorset, have accepted an offer to move to Ohio and work as shopping mall security guards.

Logan added: “We would have no life back in England. Who wants to be examined by someone whose hands are forever tainted?”

But passenger Jane Thomson, said: “I don’t want to change my name. Instead I think we should set up our own community.

“Sure, we could maybe last for a few months in normal society but eventually people will discover the truth and drive us out of town with angry dogs.

“We’re the Unclean and it’s best if we stay amongst our own kind.”


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Sea slugs unlikely to do stupid shit

SCIENTISTS have discovered the sea slug’s detachable penis means it tends not to act like an idiot.

Their ability to leave their genitals on the sea bed makes them 10 times less likely to jump off a reef to impress another slug.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “If human males develop the ability to grow a new member every few hours, we will simply set fire to each other’s or leave them in people’s drinks.”

The sea slug evolved its disposable penis as a defence mechanism, as predators assumed anything willing to rip its own genitals off was going to put up quite a fight.