Five moronic things to say every time there's a heatwave

A HEATWAVE in Britain guarantees inane conversations about the weather. Here are some things to say to help you join in.

‘Hot, isn’t it?’ 

A remarkable piece of stating the obvious, up there with ‘fire is hot’ or ‘that elephant is big’. Say it when it is totally unnecessary, ie. everyone is drenched in sweat and the news is reporting hundreds of cases of sunstroke.

‘Let’s go to an insanely crowded beach’

A shit idea during coronavirus, but a bad idea generally. A busy British beach is not the deserted Caribbean idyll depicted in holiday brochures, more a massive outdoor tanning salon combined with a yobbish pub and a rubbish dump.

‘Who needs to go abroad?’

Not only is this a grinding cliche used trillions of times before, but the fact is you DO need to go abroad if you want a change of culture and food rather than watching the rain piss down from inside a chain pub in Suffolk that’s identical to the one five minutes’ walk from your own home.

‘It’s too hot to do anything’

Justified in extremely hot weather, not so much if it’s just a fairly hot British afternoon rather than midday in the Sahara. Especially if you then embark on a frenzy of activity including trips to B&Q, hours of gardening, a rush to the nearest beer garden and a massive barbecue.

‘Better get the sprinkler on’

When it comes to hot weather, grass is luckily more durable than, say, an ice cube. Even so, get your garden sprinkler sprinkling away immediately to exacerbate any water shortage, only for it to piss down two days later making the whole exercise pointless.

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Woman wasting 30 hours a week rereading emails she's just sent

A WOMAN is idiotically wasting a large chunk of her life rereading emails and WhatsApp messages the moment she has sent them.

Joanna Kramer is unable to resist checking all her work and personal messages to reassure herself that she is both highly professional and extremely witty. 

Kramer said: “What kind of loser would calmly move onto the next task after sending an email? I open up my Sent Items and read the whole message one more time.

“I don’t know exactly why I do it. I think it’s so I’ll be delighted afresh by the quality and wit of my written communications. I sent a hilarious one to Gavin earlier about socks.

“Sometimes I even reread the message I was sent too, so I can feel pleased with how well I’ve responded to something so straightforward a hamster could probably reply adequately.

“My correspondents must think, ‘Wow, what a witty, amazing person. I must have this individual in my life.’

“It’s not a waste of time and it only takes about 15 minutes per message. Except if it’s someone I fancy. Then it’s three hours.”