Is this Britain or Hell? Take our quiz

IT’S unbearably hot, anything you do might kill you and a malevolent clown is gambling with your life and future. Are you in Britain or Hell? Find out with our quiz.

Where are you? 

A) Trapped in a box with other damned souls, writhing in the searing heat, unable to ever leave.

B) Pushing a rock up a hill. Not great, but it’s a living.

What are you doing today? 

A) The same as every day – trying to whip recalcitrant imps into learning, obeying a sadistic bearded entity who makes us do agonising exercises, abandoning hope. 

B) The eagle’s coming to peck out my liver again. Hurts but you get used to it, and we have a bit of a chat about the football.

What about this evening? 

A) Stuck to a blazing seat with someone whose very presence irritates me beyond endurance, cycling through endless pictures on a magical torture box hoping for a distraction but finding only tedious messages about sun cream from my mum.

B) We’re having a bit of a party, demons playing skin drums with bones, lava, tridents, the works. You’ve got to let your hair down occasionally.

Who commands you? 

A) A feckless, uncaring monster who cares for nothing but his own enormous ego, indifferent to how many human souls are crushed in its service.

B) We’ve got the demon Asmodeus over here, totally cruel and twisted but a cracking sense of humour.

How did you get here? 

A) Through a series of catastrophic errors and unforeseen disasters, tipping us into a spiral of doom from which it seems we will never recover.

B) Good intentions mainly.


Mostly As: You are one of the poor souls in 21st-century Britain, whose suffering will be legendary for centuries to come.

Mostly Bs: You are in Hell, and it sounds like you’re much better off there than here. Stick with it mate. 

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Topless hunk flaunts beer belly in raunchy khaki shorts

AN overweight man has been spotted showing off his curvaceous assets in the park, it has emerged.

Tom Booker, 36, looked nothing short of stunningly unhealthy as he broke into a sweat stripping down to his sizzling khaki one-piece while meeting friends for a barbecue.

Onlooker Nikki Hollis said: “I know it’s rude to stare but me and my girlfriends were all frozen in aroused disbelief like that Diet Coke advert with the window cleaner.

“He’d clearly been working hard on his flabby, pasty physique during lockdown and he wasted no time showing it off. The overgrown toenails only added to the look.”

When she stopped drooling over Booker’s unshaven deltoids, Hollis added: “Pulses were already racing as he playfully stuffed a burger into his mouth. Then, when he coyly squirted excessive amounts of ketchup onto his hotdog, I came.”

Booker said: “I can tell I’m nothing but a sex object to these women. If they lost a few pounds and got massive breast enlargements they could be in with a chance.”