Five places to swim that will be safer than Britain's waters

FANCY a dip? Avoid Britain’s sewage-infested waters and fatal poisoning by swimming in these places instead:

Your bath

Now that the Tories have voted to allow water companies to dump raw sewage into Britain’s rivers and seas, outdoor swimming is out of the question. Swimming pools are off limits too because they’re filled with chlorine and cost a fortune. So why not stay at home and do some lengths in your bath? You’ll do 50 in no time.

A volcano

If you overlook how difficult they are to get to, volcanoes are the perfect place to go for a swim. Their lakes of boiling magma are nice and toasty so you won’t need to bring a wet suit, and because you’re technically swimming through molten rocks instead of water there’s no risk of getting Weil’s disease. You might get burnt though.

Sea of Japan

Turn your swim into the trip of a lifetime by visiting the Pacific Rim. Here you’ll get up close and personal with the rockets that North Korea repeatedly fires into the Sea of Japan, which is way better than swimming with dolphins. Plus you’ll be about as far as you can get from British waters without going to a different hemisphere. It’s a win-win.

Dangerous shark enclosures

Man-eating sharks are kept in captivity by aquariums, which means the water in these enclosures will be crystal clear and safe for humans to swim in. Sure there’s the little matter of tiger sharks trying to nibble at your internal organs, but at least you’re not breast stroking your way through raw sewage. You can’t have everything.

The sewer

Once the dirtiest places in existence, sewers will be transformed into immaculate underground lidos after all of their waste has been jettisoned into Britain’s rivers and seas. Younger generations will be gobsmacked to learn that sewers were filthy in days gone by, just like you’re shocked that our water is wilfully being pumped full of human shit.

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Joining a cult, and other last ditch solutions if you can't find love

YET to find your soulmate? Worried you might be single forever? Never fear, here are five easy solutions to your problem:

Join a cult

Cults provide both companionship and something to do with your disposable income, all while worshiping a charismatic twat who is hell bent on manipulating you. Basically the same as getting into a particularly shit relationship, except with a cult someone will make a fascinating Netflix documentary about your escape.

Get really into a hobby

Love and marriage require the same kind of devotion as a hobby and could easily be swapped out for refurbishing a barge or collecting thimbles with the Queen on them. Plus, hobbies offer a community of fellow obsessives, all of whom will be better company than a partner who would only take the piss out of your passion.

Get an excessive number of cats

Animals are a great alternative to the love of another human, and the grudging affection of cats uncannily mirrors the relationship you’d have with someone you’ve been married to for fourteen lacklustre years. But don’t stop at one – get five or six, which will take up all the time you would otherwise have spent mooning over your ex.

Become a ‘local character’

Every town needs a strange middle-aged loner who intrigues the locals and inspires wild legends about their origins. Why not dress up as a cowboy and wander around the city centre, lassoing pigeons? Your funeral will be well-attended, and you’ll be spoken of affectionately for years, which won’t if you boringly get married like everyone else.

Go on Love Island

If you’ve decided that, ultimately, love isn’t for you, you could go on a popular reality dating show like Love Island. You definitely won’t find your happy ever after among the pool of preening narcissists, but you’ll form some lasting relationships with clothing brands.