FANCY a dip? Avoid Britain’s sewage-infested waters and fatal poisoning by swimming in these places instead:
Now that the Tories have voted to allow water companies to dump raw sewage into Britain’s rivers and seas, outdoor swimming is out of the question. Swimming pools are off limits too because they’re filled with chlorine and cost a fortune. So why not stay at home and do some lengths in your bath? You’ll do 50 in no time.
If you overlook how difficult they are to get to, volcanoes are the perfect place to go for a swim. Their lakes of boiling magma are nice and toasty so you won’t need to bring a wet suit, and because you’re technically swimming through molten rocks instead of water there’s no risk of getting Weil’s disease. You might get burnt though.
Sea of Japan
Turn your swim into the trip of a lifetime by visiting the Pacific Rim. Here you’ll get up close and personal with the rockets that North Korea repeatedly fires into the Sea of Japan, which is way better than swimming with dolphins. Plus you’ll be about as far as you can get from British waters without going to a different hemisphere. It’s a win-win.
Dangerous shark enclosures
Man-eating sharks are kept in captivity by aquariums, which means the water in these enclosures will be crystal clear and safe for humans to swim in. Sure there’s the little matter of tiger sharks trying to nibble at your internal organs, but at least you’re not breast stroking your way through raw sewage. You can’t have everything.
Once the dirtiest places in existence, sewers will be transformed into immaculate underground lidos after all of their waste has been jettisoned into Britain’s rivers and seas. Younger generations will be gobsmacked to learn that sewers were filthy in days gone by, just like you’re shocked that our water is wilfully being pumped full of human shit.