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We won’t give them phones, and other ways new parents delude themselves

ALL expecting parents start out with good intentions, which rapidly fall apart once the kid arrives. Say goodbye to these plans:

They’ll only eat healthy food

You have fantasies of not giving your child any sweets or processed foods once they’re weaned and raising them on a diet of organic vegetables and quinoa. Five minutes into your first supermarket trip with a screaming toddler however, and you’ll be handing over bags of donuts just to shut her up.

We won’t give them phones

You once read an article about brain development in the Guardian and now act all snooty when you see haggard looking parents letting their toddlers chew on their iPhones. You’ll change your tune pretty quick and happily hand over your phone as long as it stops them throwing more yoghurt on the dog.

Only an hour of television a day

In your head, your child will grow up frolicking in the outdoors, engaging their imagination while they play in rolling fields. In reality, you live in a third-floor flat in Walthamstow, so there’s only so long you can force them to play on the balcony before giving in and letting them watch five hours of Paw Patrol.

Get them to learn an instrument young

Some deluded part of you thinks that if you give them a keyboard as a toddler they’ll become the next Mozart and you’ll become a multimillionaire by the time they’re eight. However after a couple of days of your talentless child hitting the keyboard with a spoon, you’ll give it to a charity shop.

Never swear in front of them

Conscious that you don’t want to pollute their impressionable young mind with foul language, you’ll train yourself to use idiotic phrases like ‘fiddlesticks’. However, the first time you accidentally stand barefoot on a plastic dinosaur you’ll start swearing like a docker. The next thing you know your child’s going to school sounding like a miniature Danny Dyer.

'Work harder', and other brilliant advice from a new manager brought in to shake things up

HI, I’m Nikki Hollis, your new manager. I want to touch base on my plan for overhauling this company and getting on your tits.

Work harder

I’ve observed that you guys are working seriously hard. But could you be working even harder? You may not think so, but perhaps the prospect of a nightmarish appraisal with me could change your mind and stop you wasting time making a cup of tea when you could be calculating revenues. Just a thought.

No more meetings

Does anyone actually like sitting in meetings? No. That’s why my new strategy is to delete them from the calendar and replace them with  ‘synergy sessions’, where we all sit in a room together and discuss stuff. Yes, it sounds a lot like a meeting but I’m being paid £50k a year to be here so I have to pretend to be doing something innovative, okay?

Be more flexible

I understand that you guys enjoy mundane activities like sleeping and spending time with your family but your strict adherence to the 9 to 5 over the last few weeks has been disappointing. That’s why I’m instituting an exciting new ‘flexible’ schedule, where you can work through lunch or until 7pm if I tell you to.

Stop wasting time

So much time is taken up by you lot doing pointless things like using the toilet and walking around occasionally so you don’t get deep vein thrombosis. I’m no robot, but I think we can all agree that you can do those things while filling out pro forma invoices, yeah? Each sneeze costs this company 0.002 seconds of productivity. It all adds up.

Think of great ideas

One thing I noticed about this place is that you guys don’t routinely come up with inspiring, world-changing ideas. Why not? I know we’re a tiny company working out of a trading estate in Gloucester but I need you to do some stuff that makes me look good, so get on with it and invent the next TikTok or something.