Fresh air harmful to Londoners

LONDONERS are against pollution cuts because clean air hurts their poison-adapted lungs, it has emerged.

Plans to introduce an ultra low emission zone from 2019 have left long-term residents fearing they may not survive without the pollution which their bodies have adapted to consume.

Helen Archer of Walthamstow said: “Fresh air is wrong.

“Air should be acrid, hazy, blue and thick. It should sting the eyes and coat the windpipe in lovely carbon. Snot should be black.

“I once went to the Cotswolds two years ago. It stank of trees and flowers and life, my throat closed and I had to be helicoptered to Hammersmith. We’re holidaying in Bejing this year.

“Sometimes if I’m light-headed I’ll duck down and suck a taxi’s exhaust pipe until I feel myself again. That’s normal, right?”

Mayor Sadiq Khan said: “Kill the trees. Concrete over the grass. Fill the green belt with heavy industry spewing black smoke that blots out the sun.

“Let London be London.”

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Marvel to introduce first ever diverse storyline

MARVEL comics is to introduce a diverse storyline where the same old shit doesn’t happen.

The comics publisher said it felt a duty to represent the different kinds of story available to a modern audience, which perhaps feels alienated by incredibly repetitive sequences of events involving big fights.

A spokesman said: “There are so many under-represented story types. A young reader might think that the only thing that can ever happen in a comic is some people in leotards hitting each other because of something to do with a dimension gate.

“But these days people are increasingly accepting of originality, and don’t discriminate against new ideas. We should embrace that.”

11-year-old comics fan Stephen Malley said: “It’d be cool to see a Marvel film I couldn’t have written myself in 10 minutes.

“Also I would be comfortable with a superhero comic that isn’t weirdly convinced it is for grown-ups.”