Office worker doesn't like to measure her coffee intake in pints

AN OFFICE worker has announced that she would rather not consider the amount of coffee she drinks in pints because it would sound rather grim.

Susan Traherne does not mind telling people that she drinks ‘about 10 cups of coffee’ a day because it makes her sound like she’s dynamic, unlike saying she drinks five pints of coffee a day as that sounds a bit worrying.

She said: “God, I couldn’t get through the day without, oh, at least 10-20 cups of coffee.

Though, if I was to say that differently, like that I need eight pints of coffee a day or I genuinely feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown that just makes me sound in need of an intervention. It also gives you some idea of how often I need the toilet.

I was thinking about swapping the coffee for energy drinks. Then I realised that was like swapping lager for vodka so I didn’t see the point.”


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Waitrose shopper struggling with hot drink benefits cuts

37-YEAR-OLD Waitrose shopper Emma Bradford is struggling to cope after the supermarket cut her hot drink benefits, she has revealed.

Bradford visits the supermarket twice a week, not including occasional emergency Chablis runs, and had come to rely on its unlimited free tea and coffee.

She said: “It began when I tried helping myself to a latte and a Waitrose worker took me aside and suggested that I buy a croissant first. Apparently there had been a ‘rule change’.

“I politely explained that I didn’t want a fucking croissant and that as she was someone who wore an apron to work she perhaps needed to consider her place.

“Although I haven’t seen I, Daniel Blake, it sounds quite like my situation. An innocent person becomes a victim of the system and finds themselves struggling with issues of self-esteem.

“I’ve got a Nespresso machine at home but only the cleaner knows how to work it and she isn’t in on Wednesdays or Fridays.”

She added: “Now I’ve been banned from Waitrose and there’s no other viable supermarket except maybe Sainsbury’s, but the aisles are very narrow and they don’t have quality mussels.

“I don’t see a way out of this living hell, except maybe to book a weekend at a spa hotel.”