Geese think they are hard

GEESE are inexplicably convinced that they are hard as nails, it has emerged.

Farmyard and lake-based geese confirmed their intention to smash your head in despite only weighing about a stone.

Goose Tom Booker said: “”One step closer and I’ll take you down to Chinatown.

““You, me, any time, any place, let’s do this.””

Geese confirmed that their favourite film is Roadhouse starring Patrick Swayze, and that although they were far smaller than other ‘hard birds’ like swans and ostriches it is all muscle.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “”When geese give it large, they aren’t messing around. Unlike swans, which are mostly just fronting, geese are aggressive, cocky, and won’t hesitate to call you out if they think they’ve been disrespected.”

“When a goose stands up straight, spreads its wings and starts hissing, it is saying: come at me, bro.”

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Viewing naked celebrity pictures ‘same as watching the news’

MEN have convinced themselves that looking at naked celebrity pictures is a legitimate part of keeping up with current affairs.

31-year-old office worker Normal Steele said: “It’s important to keep up with what’s going on in the world, whether that’s unrest in the Balkans or a major online leak of photos showing Jennifer Lawrence in the nod.

“The ramifications for internet privacy are considerable and there are also issues surrounding the sexual objectification of some of my favourite Hollywood actresses.

“It’s covered in The Guardian so I think it’s perfectly legitimate to google ’naked celebrities’ and ‘Spiderman’s girlfriend’s arse’ as soon as the wife’s in bed.

“I like to stay informed, that’s all.”