Transfer window day made a bank holiday

THE closing of the football transfer window has been made a public holiday, because no work gets done that day anyway.

Everything stops for the ball

Fans have been given a day’s leave to chase rumours, assess whether Torres can make it at Milan and criticise Big Sam for his resistance to continental flair using their own time and broadband.

Fan Roy Hobbs said: “Transfer deadline day isn’t for working.

“It’s a day for Twitter, for YouTube videos of hitherto unknown Slovenians, for watching endless footage of cars arriving at training grounds on Sky Sports News and claiming they all contain Ron Vlaar.

“It’s best I don’t go in, especially after last year when I spent a 12-hour shift tracing a rumour about Miroslav Klose signing for Newcastle which turned out to originate from my own Twitter account.

“But I want to reassure all my colleagues that my expert analysis of every single transfer, loan and medical evaluation will be available at my desk from 9am until well into the afternoon.”

The FA has also announced new standards for 14-15, ruling that a game must contain a minimum of ten goals to be described as a thriller after last season’s surfeit of high-scoring but dull matches.

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Graduates doing low-paid jobs in a moody way

UNIVERSITY graduates trapped in low-paid jobs have resolved to do them in a grudging, sour-faced manner.

“Do you want chocolate fucking sprinkles””

Figures show that around 50 per cent of graduates are employed in manual or service industry roles that they think themselves far too good for.

Coffee shop assistant and media studies degree holder Tom Logan said: “Having to serve customers with a modicum of politeness is so demeaning. They want me to say things like ‘hello’ and make eye contact.

“It’s like I’m some kind of performing monkey, rather than a soon-to-be-recognised media genius.”

Logan said he maintained a constant scowl and mildly ironic tone while taking orders for hot drinks and giving customers their change: “I’m subtly subverting the role of the server by letting customers know they are bothering me.

“Also I need to network with the other baristas, who are also planning to make feature length documentaries about skateboarding, which means I am too busy chatting to clear up all the dirty mugs and plates.

“Anyone who doesn’t like that is just jealous of my massive potential.”

English graduate and data entry administrator Emma Bradford said: “I am a butterfly trapped in a cage.

“That’s a metaphor, one of the many clever things I know about that make me different and special.”