Global pandemic just the push man needed to mow the lawn

A GLOBAL pandemic locking down a third of the world’s population has finally motivated a British man to mow the lawn. 

After only three weeks’ forced confinement in his home, Wayne Hayes has not only mown the grass but trimmed the hedges and thrown the clippings over the back fence.

He said: “Say what you like about this coronavirus, but it’s given me the kick up the bum I needed to achieve a few things around the house.

“I’ve jetwashed the decking, weeded the patio, and if we’re getting another four weeks of lockdown then I honestly think I’ll finally clear out the shed.

“I don’t think I have ever felt so motivated for home improvement in my life, and I owe it all to this terrible situation. The garden’s never looked better.”

Neighbour Eleanor Shaw said: “I can’t believe how unfeeling some people are, treating this like one big bank holiday.

“I’m so traumatised there’s no way I can do anything about the disused washing machine in my front garden and it’s insensitive to ask.”

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Six conspiracy theories to explain Eamonn Holmes's shitty f**king career

EAMONN Holmes shared dangerous 5G conspiracy theories on This Morning, but what far-fetched conspiracy explains him still being in f**king work? Try these: 

The Illuminati

This secret organisation holds all the power and runs the world. Everything we do, they decide. Eamonn isn’t one of them. He’s one of their pets, and keeping him employed by ITV is less trouble than setting up a webcam.

The Simulation

Our entire reality is a simulation running on a quantum computer. Holmes is a glitch in this simulation, as nobody as untalented and pug-faced as he is could ever make it on television. Once the world spots this we will wake up from the simulation and be free.

The Alien Abductions

Finding it too much trouble to abduct ordinary people and spend an evening anally probing them, grey aliens have decided to recreate the sensation of a massive pain in the arse when you wake up by putting Eamonn Holmes on This Morning. 

Fat Earth Theory

Flat-Earthers maintain the Earth is flat. Fat-Earthers believe the planet is round but has put on far too much weight around the middle. Eamonn Holmes owes his crappy excuse for a conspiracy-spreading career to his physical resemblance to this obese planet.

Holmes shot JFK

According to his official date of birth, Holmes was only three when John F Kennedy was shot. But he could easily be 20 years older, and extorted the Mafia into giving him a four-decade broadcasting career in return for his finger on the trigger that fateful day. 

He is the Antichrist

The Beast spoken of in Revelations, risen from the deep telling blasphemies and threatening to destroy the world, could well be Holmes who while he doesn’t have seven heads has at least that many chins. Mentions of a second Beast refer to his wife and co-presenter Ruth Langsford.