Gorillas wearily accept that humans are just not that evolved

GORILLAS have confirmed they will continue to patiently tolerate the less evolved human species.

Following an unfortunate incident in a Cincinnati zoo, gorillas said they planned to continue quietly chewing vegetation as if nothing had happened.

Western gorilla Tom Logan said: “Humans are dangerous and unpredictable, and you have to be careful not to get too close to them.

“Their heads are full of flashing shapes and colours from those electronic boxes they love to stare at, it makes them ‘loco’. They’re like a stupider, fatter version of chimps – fine in small doses but you wouldn’t want one living in your clearing.”

Despite having a better lifestyle, diet and muscle definition than Homo sapiens, gorillas admire some aspects of human culture.

Logan said: “I once ate something called a Terry’s Chocolate Orange, that was quite delicious. I’ve no idea how they made it, I suppose it’s one of those weird instinctive things like how bees make honey.

“Their buildings and electricity are quiet nifty too. We use to have those things in the jungle, until we realised it was more convenient to just grow a pelt.”

Logan confirmed his plans to spend today lying in his nest casually munching on some foliage while you are at work.

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Stair gate stops child, dog and grandmother


A STAIR gate has proved to be a successful barrier to a baby, a pet dog and a grandmother.

Tom Logan installed the gates at the top and bottom of the stairs to protect his one year-old daughter and prevent his young labrador from getting upstairs, but they have also managed to trap his 62-year-old mother-in-law Mary Fisher.

Logan said: “Mary popped round so I said I’d stick the kettle on while she went to the loo. When I came back a few minutes later I saw she had got her foot stuck while trying to climb over the gate.

“She was clinging onto the banister in a rather haphazard fashion while asking me about my job.

“I asked her why she didn’t just ask me how to open it and she said she ‘didn’t like to make a fuss’. We’re going to put that on her headstone.”

Logan added: “When I went back to the kitchen I suddenly remembered the other gate at the top of the stairs. She had managed to get one leg over and was leaning forward while gripping onto the top of it. She looked like she was on a racehorse.”

Mrs Fisher said: “I don’t like to make a fuss.”