Boris Johnson proves exercise is bullshit, say experts

BORIS Johnson has baffled scientists by cycling every day but never looking any different.

Research by the Institute for Studies on the ruddy-cheeked politician has confirmed that exercise must be a load of pointless nonsense.

Technicians even dismantled the massive blond-haired child’s bicycle to make sure he had not attached a motor.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “He seems to exercise regularly but always manages to look like a fat, wet owl.

“We must therefore conclude that the so-called benefits of voluntary exercise are egregious horseshit.

“If not then Boris Johnson is engaged in a cynical deception for the purposes of self-promotion. Which seems incredibly unlikely given that he is just a roly-poly funster who wants everyone to be happy.”

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Woman thrown out of bar for ordering non-artisan gin

A WOMAN has been ejected from a bar for not caring about the 400 different brands of gin on offer.

Nikki Hollis, an accountant from Clapham, arrived at the bar after a hard day at work and just wanted to be handed a very strong drink as soon as possible.

Hollis, 35, said: “The bartender made a big show of asking what type of gin I wanted. I said that Gordon’s was fine and he got all snooty and said they didn’t serve populist brands.

“He handed me a menu which was a very long list of irritating names and descriptions. One gin was described as ‘cutting edge’, which made me furious as it’s just a drink made from potatoes and berries that gets people wankered, no matter how many sprigs of lavender you put in it.”

She added: “In the end I told him that if he didn’t immediately give me a massive glass of cheap alcohol I’d punch him in the face.

“That’s when I got chucked out.”