Woman outrages neighbours by barbecuing for herself

A MIDLANDS woman has outraged friends and neighbours by having a barbecue without any man being in attendance.

Joanna Kramer of Nottingham aroused suspicion when she was seen wheeling the barbecue out of the garage even though her partner was known to be away on business.

Neighbour Stephen Malley said: “I shouted over the fence ‘Just getting that ready for Chris, are you?’, a warning couched in my words.

“She replied ‘Oh, it’s such a lovely day I thought I’d do it myself,’ and put on his apron. Not her apron. His special ‘The Grillfather’ apron.

“Her hands were all over his Tex-Mex marinade, his bourbon-soaked hickory chips, his signature hot sauce. It was a violation of every gender boundary in our society and I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

“I took a sausage, God help me. It tasted incredible. Somehow she’s learned how to cook meat, but where I don’t know because she’s never out of the kitchen.”

Malley added: “She’s a witch obviously and we must burn her. Next time we get a sunny weekend.”

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Manchester United finally appoint manager as loathsome as they are

MANCHESTER United have finally found a manager as entitled, self-important and prone to temper tantrums as the club itself.

Jose Mourinho was appointed manager today after United bosses realised their initial revulsion was only because they were seeing a reflection of themselves.

A club insider said: “Vain, egotistical, convinced the world is against them as they ignore every rule to suit themselves; it’s the perfect match.

“Mourinho’s arrogance hasn’t been remotely affected by him guiding his last club to one place above relegation, just as Manchester United still believe they’re the best club in England despite finishing fifth.

“Together they will dispute every decision, find undeserving scapegoats for every loss, and steal any talented player they choose, all the while complaining bitterly of unfairness.

“Also, they’ll probably win everything. That’s what makes them truly detestable.”