Hairy-backed men return to forests

MEN with hairy backs have given up trying to fit into civilisation and gone back to the woods from whence they came.

Though close cousins of humanity, the men have admitted their attempts to use tools and language have failed and retreated to the wilderness to be with their own kind.

Tom Logan of Bristol said: “With a shirt on I can almost pass for human. Almost.

“But ultimately people would spot the dark mass creeping up from between my shoulder blades to peep out of my collar and recognise me for the primitive that I truly am.

“I have no business driving a car, living under a roof not made of sticks or working as a solicitor specialising in boundary disputes, which I think I knew when I started banging a bone on my desk.

“In the forest my hirstute body, now matted with mud and leaves, is no longer the mark of a throwback but a evolutionary advantage.

“And because I’m going grey, out here I am a leader.”

Wife Tracey Logan said: “For years I’ve tried to only look at him face on, but even then I could see it looming behind him like a black, evil halo.

“We’ll miss him, but we’ll still see him on Springwatch.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

But who was minding the caff? ask EastEnders viewers

EASTENDERS has revealed who killed Lucy Beale without answering the crucial question of who was looking after the cafe at the time.

After a series of red herrings lead them to believe Max Branning was behind the counter while Denise Fox looked after the car lot and Carol Jackson ran the Minute Mart, followers of the soap are angry their key concern was unaddressed.

Fan Donna Sheridan said: “Newcomers to EastEnders might think it’s all about murder, or family relationships, or a constant, soul-destroying parade of misery.

“It’s not. It’s all about who’s been left in charge of various small businesses.

“Whenever someone needs to do a killing or have an affair or give birth to an illegitimate child they always ask someone to mind the stall for them, knowing that viewers would be in uproar if a vendor of £6 crop-tops was left unstaffed.

“The reintroduction of Kathy Beale had me agog – as well as being Ian’s mum she’s got experience as landlady of The Dagmar, so there are all kinds of areas she could fill in – but frankly we’ve been left hanging yet again.”

The revelation that Lucy Beale was murdered by her 11-year-old brother Bobby has been largely ignored, because the character is too young to work in a customer-facing environment and therefore irrelevant.