MEN with hairy backs have given up trying to fit into civilisation and gone back to the woods from whence they came.
Though close cousins of humanity, the men have admitted their attempts to use tools and language have failed and retreated to the wilderness to be with their own kind.
Tom Logan of Bristol said: “With a shirt on I can almost pass for human. Almost.
“But ultimately people would spot the dark mass creeping up from between my shoulder blades to peep out of my collar and recognise me for the primitive that I truly am.
“I have no business driving a car, living under a roof not made of sticks or working as a solicitor specialising in boundary disputes, which I think I knew when I started banging a bone on my desk.
“In the forest my hirstute body, now matted with mud and leaves, is no longer the mark of a throwback but a evolutionary advantage.
“And because I’m going grey, out here I am a leader.”
Wife Tracey Logan said: “For years I’ve tried to only look at him face on, but even then I could see it looming behind him like a black, evil halo.
“We’ll miss him, but we’ll still see him on Springwatch.”