Greece repaid debts ‘ages ago’

GREEK finance minister Yanis Varoufakis has expressed astonishment that the EU is still asking for the money he gave back in the pub weeks ago.

The Greek says he cannot recall the exact date but it was the day Bradford beat Chelsea.

Varoufakis said: “I gave Merkel a big wedge of cash that night. Ask the Belgians, they’ll tell you.”

Angela Merkel confirmed that this was the case, but she said the money was “just so I could get his round in for him. He was sat in the corner and couldn’t get out because Francoise Hollande and his girlfriend were having a row at the next table.

“The previous Greek government said they gave the money to my husband to give me when they bumped into him outside a cinema just after Christmas. They must think I was born yesterday.”

EU commission leader Jose Manuel Barosso backed Merkel: “If it was a loan repayment he should have got a receipt.”

Varoufakis responded that he had, but that he had washed his jeans the next day, and it must have been in the back pocket because everything in that load had little bits of paper stuck on it.

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‘Vibrant’ restaurant actually just a living hell

A RESTAURANT noted for its ‘vibrant’ and ‘bustling’ atmosphere is really just a wretched hellhole of noise and heat, it has emerged.

The mildly fashionable Italian restaurant Pizza Fila would be considered an utterly horrible environment if it did not serve ‘authentic’ pizzas with big clumps of leaves on top.

Recent customer Donna Sheridan said: “The first thing that hits you is the deafening noise, which would be illegal if it was a factory or building site.

“It’s also incredibly crowded and hot so your evening consists of a stranger shouting in your face while you become dangerously dehydrated, like one of the punishment scenes in The Bridge On the River Kwai.

“The worst thing is the other customers, though. They’re pretending to enjoy themselves, but you can see from the despair in their eyes that they just want the suffering to end.”

Pizza Fila’s owner, Stephen Malley, said: “The more unpleasant it is, the more customers we seem to get, so I’m thinking of putting the toilets in the dining area and installing UV lights to give them sunburn.”

However Malley admitted he was concerned about losing business to a nearby seafood restaurant where the maitre d’ punches customers in the back of the head.