AS temperatures fall, Britain’s soft and pathetic Southerners are turning up their thermostats.
Unable to withstand normal autumn weather, Southern milksops like Nathan Muir, 43, are mincing over to their thermostats and cranking up the heating with recently-manicured fingers.
Muir said: “Driving home from my job as my company’s emotional wellbeing manager, I had the heating turned right up in my pink Mini Cooper. But when I stepped into the house it was like being in a Smeg fridge!
“After setting the temperature to a toasty 25 degrees to prevent my family dying from the unbearable Arctic cold, I ran myself a lavender-infused bath while my wife Arabella fired up the AGA.
“Obviously I thoroughly moisturised my entire body afterwards because central heating dries out my skin terribly. Then I went downstairs for some warming asparagus soup accompanied by a soft, fluffy, homemade cottage loaf. It was a lifesaver.
“The only chilled thing we Southerners want in the evenings is a glass of sparkling rosé. I’ll definitely be wearing a thermal vest under my silk pyjamas tonight.”
Northerner Wayne Hayes said: “A couple more months and I might have to put some shorts on over my boxers when I go out.”
