Nobel Prize winner to spend money on pimped-out SUV

THE British winner of the Nobel Prize for Physics is to spend the whole of his prize money on a customised sports utility vehicle in metallic Muscle Purple. 

Cambridge-born John Clarke, professor emeritus at the University of California in Berkeley, said: “I’ve dropped some serious Nobel cheddar on this bad boy.

“It’s sick.”

Clarke, who is currently deliberating between the license plates QU4NTUM or CL4RK3Y, said: “On the mean streets of Cambridge, theoretical physics was the only route out.

“I saw neighbourhood physicists in their sports cars and designer clothes and thought yeah, I gotta get some theories.”

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Young people not drinking very specific acceptable amount of alcohol

YOUNG people are either exceeding or falling short of the specific amount of acceptable alcohol consumption older generations dictate, they have admitted. 

Britain’s teenagers and twentysomethings are either proving to be a massive disappointment by abstaining from alcohol or endangering their health by knocking back far too much of it.

Bill McKay, aged 48, said: “Is it so hard to stick to the recommended number of units per session? They’re printed on the sides of bottles for f**k sake.

“Sober youngsters need to start pulling their weight. I don’t care if they can’t afford to get shitfaced. They have to sort out their priorities and stop frittering away money on food and rent.

“Meanwhile these pissed-up youths in our town centres are a menace. Getting so wasted they’re throwing up in ornamental flowerbed and fighting. Behaving like that’s outrageous outside of occasions like weddings, funerals and christenings.

“Both extremes need to get their act together, no exceptions. The next time I see a pregnant young woman she’d better be supping on a Foster’s.”

Young person James Bates said: “It’s impossible to enjoy yourself when you’re constantly checking strict alcohol guidelines. Meanwhile recreational drugs let you set your own limits.”