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China: friend, or foe we must pretend is a friend because it's f**king terrifying?

IS China Britain’s enemy? And if it was, would we still pretend it wasn’t because we’re too small to do anything about it? We examine the facts: 

China owns the world’s economy

The entire world is dependent on China continuing to sell us things and continuing to buy our things. And they’re a command economy, meaning Xi Jinping could say ‘Britain’s out’ tomorrow and our economy would collapse. Cowardly politicians believe this must be factored into whether we class a country as our enemy.

China is very big

Geography only goes so far. For example, for a couple of centuries Britain’s navy was big and sophisticated enough to run the world. However those days are gone, and China’s area of 3.7 million square miles and population of 1.4 billion does give it some weight in international proceedings. And speaking of our navy…

China bears us something of a grudge

Chinese history talks of the Century of Humilation, beginning with the First Opium War, when other countries treated it rather badly and which it still resents. Who was on the other side of the First, and indeed the Second, Opium War? That would be Britain. Does a country with three millennia of written history easily forget and forgive? No.

China has built a huge sphere of influence

China, using its vast wealth, has India and most of Asia on side. India is, inconveniently, yet another massive country with a huge population and many natural resources. Meanwhile, post-Brexit, Britain has no mates.

America no longer give a shit about us

For decades, the UK has thrown its weight about on the world stage because we had a hard friend. Unfortunately, while Trump likes our pomp, ceremony and shortbread, he is very much not on the side of the underdog. If China decides to wipe our nation from the face of the earth he would hold its metaphorical coat.

Conclusion: we love China

China is the best. What’s a little spying between friends? Any chance of a trade deal? We love Shein and TikTok and Temu. If you need a beachhead for invading Europe we’re available.

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How to perform the Couples' Wednesday Night Justifying A Takeaway Dance

WANT to be brought a succulent Chinese meal, but don’t want to be the lazy fat bastard who outright suggests it? Follow these slow and careful steps to get your partner on board: 

Sigh at the fridge

Open your humble refrigerator and stare fatalistically, as if you were gazing into the abyss rather than a handy receptacle of perishable meal ingredients. Exhale and shake your head, apparently oblivious of your other half watching. The seed is planted.

Talk about the weather

Ever the reliable disruptor of any activity, the British weather is also the driver of every British conversation. It can also explain why today, of all days, you must order food rather than cook. Too close to stand over a stove? Or too cold to force your fingers to chop garlic? Use both arguments.

Pretend that you would cook if your partner insisted

It’s not that you don’t want to cook, but you’ll take so long you fear it won’t be in time to satisfy their sad rumbly tum. It’s only them you’re thinking of when considering other solutions. If they care about you they’ll do the same.

Document all prior healthy choices

Balance is essential in all parts of life. Therefore, do mention that you went to the gym on Sunday and ate a salad last week, or last month, as justification for your need for a greasy meal right now. And you didn’t pick the lettuce off yesterday’s burger. Your gut is crying out for salt and MSG.

Unrelatedly, you’ve had a hard day

You had to do your job, and talk to other people. You probably had to walk somewhere, or stare at a laptop screen. All of these innumerable injustices surely mean you deserve – nay, are fully entitled to – the speedy cuisine of your choice.

Consider the economy

Making a gainful living is hard in this day and age. Restaurants need customers more than ever, and the Deliveroo cyclist collecting your kebab in torrential rain is probably thrilled to have the work. By ordering in, you are in fact supporting local businesses and being a virtuous person.

Give in

The most subtle part of the whole dance is for each partner to surrender to their opposite’s unstated desire for a takeaway as an act of kindness and love, while never admitting that desire is their own. Couples who have been together more than a decade can do this wordlessly. Then they eat in silence.

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