Heatwave transforms Northerner into an Italian

YESTERDAY’S high temperatures caused a man from West Yorkshire to morph into a hot-blooded Continental. 

Tom Logan from Leeds was ordering a cheeky pint on his lunch break when he had an uncontrollable urge to ask for an Aperol spritz instead. 

Logan explained: ‘Before I knew it I was eating olives instead of my usual pork scratchings and undoing my shirt buttons low enough to reveal my chest hair. 

“I couldn’t stop shouting effusive greetings at people I knew, when a surly ‘Eh up’ normally suffices. I never even went back to the office, I just took the rest of the afternoon off. No particular reason, just ‘because’. And it felt like that was okay. 

“My colleagues eventually found me sunning myself on a bench in Park Square, or Parco Piazza as I insisted on calling it, wearing polished leather shoes with no socks and flailing my arms around as I spoke.

“They suggested we kick a ball around to try and snap me out of it, but when I began flinging myself to the ground dramatically pretending to be injured, they understood I really was Italian.

“I haven’t quite reached the stage where I’m shouting, ‘Bella! Bellissima!’ at passing women, but I fear I’m not far off, and I doubt the women of Leeds will stand for that crap. Yeah, I’m pretty sure this ends with me getting punched.”

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Truss or Mordaunt? How to pretend it f**king matters

WILL bobblehead Liz Truss or Blue Peter presenter Penny Mordaunt make it to the final two today? Here’s how to pretend you give a shit.

Convince yourself they’re different

When you’re dealing with a pair of nutters from the extreme right of the Tory party, it’s polite to pretend they’re different. Invent little contrasts between them, like Penny was a negligent trade minister as opposed to Truss being an ineffectual foreign minister, and try and work yourself up into caring.

Focus on their backgrounds

While Mordaunt did philosophy at Reading, Truss did philosophy, politics and economics at Oxford. Put to the back of your mind what lazy twats all the philosophy students you knew were and imagine them as wise philosopher-kings like Marcus Aurelius, who certainly would have been elected by Tory members.

Consider their policies

Truss’s policies are vague: cutting taxes, pleasing everyone and being as popular as Thatcher at her height. Magician’s assistant Penny is keeping her policies in a black box with stars painted on to unveil at the final moment. Essentially we have no clue what will happen if either takes charge, but we’re expected to have a dog in the fight regardless.

Be pleased that they’re women

Delude yourself that this is a great step forward for womankind, forgetting that we’ve already had two female prime ministers with terrible results. Act like it makes Britain a forward, progressive country, even though that’s only in contrast with America because Europe’s always electing women and some of them are even quite good.

Refuse to acknowledge your powerlessness

Conservative members decide who’s the next prime minister. Unless you’re one of them – an ignominy up there with subscribing to porn sites – then this is nothing to do with you. Ignore that, pay close attention to the race, watch leadership debates and never accept that you’ve as much say in it as who becomes president of Liberia.

Deny that Rishi will win

Polling shows that either Truss or Mordaunt could beat Rishi, so believe it. Treat the front-runner, who has all the money and support, who kicked off this whole contest at his whim, and who has all the experience and inside knowledge, as an irrelevance. That way it’ll be a thrilling surprise in September when he’s prime minister.