Highlands travellers warned against sheltering in wrong pub

DRIVERS in Scotland have been warned against sheltering from icy conditions in isolated pubs where they are likely to be murdered.

A police spokesman said: “Although road conditions are treacherous, you need to think carefully before pulling into a pub for a break.

“Ask yourself, does it have a flat roof? Is there a Rottweiler, two Rottweilers, or razor wire visible? Can you see any nationalistic imagery such as flags, or burning effigies?

“Is there the steaming carcass of a stag or other large mammal in the porch?

“If the answer to any of these questions is ‘yes’, keep driving.

“Better to get a bit tired and drive into a ditch than to be made into a ‘road lamb’ haggis.”

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PE lessons to focus on snooker and darts

SCHOOL sports lessons are to move away from more ‘physical’ activities to focus on darts and snooker.

A government spokesman said: “As recent TV coverage proves, these are games we can actually win at.

“For years we have been pushing football and cricket, which we as a nation cannot play competently, when we should have been looking at the slower indoor games that are steeped in our indigenous drinking culture.

“What young lad doesn’t look at Jimmy White without wanting his living legend status, shiny hair and interesting complexion?”

12-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “At first I didn’t like it when they built a massive pub on the football pitch. It seemed very dark in there, with lots of old men coughing.

“But actually darts and snooker are really good, and because you don’t really sweat there’s no need for a humiliating group shower afterwards.”