Richest one per cent own 98 per cent of ridiculous gaudy shit

THE world’s super-rich own almost all of the world’s hideous fancy things, it has emerged.

Researchers found that ‘the one per cent’ have stockpiled virtually all of the massive watches made of emeralds, stupid flashy cars and mansions done out like brothels.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The weird thing about the super rich is that all their stuff looks like it came from Swindon market, except it’s actually solid gold.”

He highlighted the Alpha5000 Omnicron, a watch made from gems the size of chestnuts with pointless dials all over them, and those sports cars that look like they can turn into robots.

“The stuff of the super-rich really is horrible, as befits their vile personalities. It is unbelievably expensive but has absolutely zero intrinsic worth.”

Unemployed Roy Hobbs said: “As a poor person my only outlet for my hideous taste is sticking Christmas lights all over my house. Rest assured though, if I were wealthy I would have the biggest, shiniest fucking watch you have ever seen.”