Richest one per cent own 98 per cent of ridiculous gaudy shit

THE world’s super-rich own almost all of the world’s hideous fancy things, it has emerged.

Researchers found that ‘the one per cent’ have stockpiled virtually all of the massive watches made of emeralds, stupid flashy cars and mansions done out like brothels.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “The weird thing about the super rich is that all their stuff looks like it came from Swindon market, except it’s actually solid gold.”

He highlighted the Alpha5000 Omnicron, a watch made from gems the size of chestnuts with pointless dials all over them, and those sports cars that look like they can turn into robots.

“The stuff of the super-rich really is horrible, as befits their vile personalities. It is unbelievably expensive but has absolutely zero intrinsic worth.”

Unemployed Roy Hobbs said: “As a poor person my only outlet for my hideous taste is sticking Christmas lights all over my house. Rest assured though, if I were wealthy I would have the biggest, shiniest fucking watch you have ever seen.”

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Google Glass withdrawal huge blow for dickheads

COMPLETE tools who want the whole world to know it are protesting the withdrawal of Google Glass.

The high-tech eyewear, which allows users to video every human interaction to prove that they were right, is being taken off the market after no-one normal was at all interested.

Early adopter Wayne Hayes of Brighton said: “Before Google Glass, I would often have to engage in minutes of conversation to impress upon others what an incontrovertible fuckstick I am.

“With Glass, I could get that reaction instantly and then re-run it in slow-motion for my own perverse satisfaction late at night, exulting in my own vileness.”

Tosspots are expected to get through the next eight months repelling people with loud conversations about Bitcoin before the Apple Watch comes out in September.